SSSNC 05

2011-03-29T08:31:00.001-07:00

moved to tumblr...

2010-10-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

i hate the way it happens. i hate how i end up feeling this way after. i feel like i dun ever wanna do it ever again. i hate hw i feel so used n detached. i hate everything abt it. i resent it.
maybe he doesnt care enough.
i hate the word petty.
i think i wont ve children after all..since they make e inevitable leaving so hard to do

i wanna spend a whole mth w no work no omovies/top of some super tall building/lying on e beach n staring at the sky which will hopefully vbligations too. spend my days at the beach/at a book plc/feeling e wind at some open space n nights at e stars/go c my fav band once every 3 days
basically doing selfish things tat makes me happy. i love e feeling of nt having to pls anyone. crave for it even more right nw.

my stomach is feeling queasy again..dun utd why this always happen after. it has to be smth i cant digest properly?
im afraid of having lucid dreams. i think i hate slping alne. suddenly crave to b held. lyk for a really really really long time till its safe enough to fall aslp. i hope this pass.

2010-10-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

i dunno why i feel hurt over such little things.maybe "i shld leave right now before i fall even deeper"

2010-10-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

shall edit when ive sort out my thoughts. fucking feel like screaming. i wanna go south amercia and get lost in the confusion and madness which im hoping they haf. i freaking look thai anyway.being treated like an exotic inferior is aslright i guess.

2010-10-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

finally the things ive been dreading all my life are starting to happen. i love them for the roles they played in my life and those moments when we actually spend time tgt.. but somehow living w them puts some kind of a toll on me. i shldnt even feel this way cos of the freedom i ve. but somehow i enjoyed sneaking out that very day 3 yrs back late one night nt cos of the exhilaration but perhaps cos i felt like we were doing smth that a typical family at that point in time would experience(unknowingly in their case). i think this is working out for me in the sense tat i make sure i spend as lil time as possible w em and tuck tat particular memory away in some corner of my mind where it wont be blurred or corroded away w time like hw other memories do..but then again i forget wad i do for my birthdays and they happen only once a yr.
she let me hug her for more than 10mins and somehow i felt saddened by tat cos it also meant tat its a mutual understanding tat we r nt spending enough time tgt but we both understand y it has to be so. in the past ive tried my best to create that happy picture in my mind using my age as an excuse but somehow it didnt work until i started spending time away. and we(i) became happier..theres no problems anymore because they r not here, because i dun ve to c it.
no one understood this sort of logic except him and i didnt even ve to explain. i noe she's worried abt me having someone else in my life instead and those reasons making her worried are starting to affect me.
and so finally the things ive been dreading all my life are starting to happen and im pushing away smth tat would make it all better.
just sticking to plans and gg through w it was nvr me. all the time i wasted in reconsidering y decisions could ve been used to create smth new.

i think in some cases, being petty is nvr an intention or characteristic trait. seems to be a general unconscious feeling in response to being hurt at the very mild level so maybe petty shldnt be e word. why would someone be unaffected when she had interrupted slp/waking up early after an interrupted slp then doing smth she thinks the other party would like only to ve that person say smth tat jus simply dissed tat effort. wasnt even e waiting that caused e moodiness but e thought tat its only ever possible to forget tat someone is waiting when tat person is qns is an unwanted insurance agent.even a txt msg wld be sufficient to buy more time and eliminate e wrath.
i dunno. m i being unreasonable?must i always be reasonable?i feel like being unreasonable and absorbed into this issue at least at this very moment despite other more impt things.fuck this feeling.
such things wld jus spring at me when i thought im over it and least expect em to and put so many variations of doubt in my mind. ve u ever seen someone laugh feebly while saying those 3 words while doing it? its nt a gd feeling.wld rather ve blasted e music n off e lights.
hate mood swings. dunno why they r so frequent nw. i ve a feeling its due to e removal of

if someone cant handle u at ur worst should they deserve u at ur best?

2010-09-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

sometimes i jus wish that someone will notice tat im rly not all tat strong as i put myself out to be and jus hold me till im ok again.would agree tat im demanding when it comes to certain things yes but strong no. weird much?
too many of such outbursts recently...maybe im secretly ill in my head?

kinda sprained my two big toes=( my lower back hurts and feels like its breaking from trying to do the front walkover and scorpion..my mind seems to be exploding..
but i love flying kites..esp when it requires a bit of effort to make it fly..somehow its strange how i nvr found kites fascinating till now..theres smth abt the way its able to fly but yet be tied down i guess...dunno...need to get a new one cos someone cut the string of my bee=(

i got into the salsa performance team so m rather excited abt it i guess...thou i ve a feeling it wont take me long to feel bored with it=/

just the way you are is such as nice ttm song...imagine someone writing/singing such stuff and rly meaning it with all of his/her heart..
jus make me feel your love and u'll love me forever despite all the pretty gals in the world and im yours.

absolutely hate the feeling i get when ppl walk away from me. so i will always want to do it first. selfish much?
am really seriously aching for some

2010-07-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

I really dont understand why i feel this sense of disappointment.
i choose to always take responsibility for things tat happen because i cant bear the guilt tat comes if i dont. but it got to the point where ppl jus dun rly care abt hw i feel anymore as long as the matter gets settled.
this explains the sense of disappointment. but then again my rights to feeling disappointed are debatable.

i think i dun wan to think anymore.
revealed more than wad was required..
too tired to try too tired to want too tired to think too tired to feel
i choose all the wrong times to want to be selfish.
but then at the same time id nvr want anyone to be unhappy..
cant i jus make u happy w no strings attached

you're walking on a bridge
you come to the end of the bridge
you have to either jump or go back to where u started out from
what would you choose to do if you have the choice?

i noe i need smth...i jus dont know wad it is? or maybe i need too many things, most of which contradicts ea other thus e confusion? and to add to it, the needs of other ppl influences mine..

last night was probably e first time im upset when high..nt a gd feeling at all. confirm nt going to be one to drown her sorrows.
hope it doesnt rain on friday..really wanna just sit at the beach and watch e waves as e sky turns dark again. the only thing tat would make it better would be to haf someone who's able to tell me loads of stories..i love stories tat dun require me to play aunt agony

stupid things make me weirdly happy. an example would be the gal who's plucking her face in front of me hahaha or like a hedonistic friend telling me loads of mindless things..

2010-07-12T21:11:00.001-07:00

I feel like destroying myself again.. do things tat goes against those stupid morals and opinions i have.

"you wanna play the game? its like this:
you play around, you have fun, you share secrets, you tell stories, you cry on each other's shoulders, you hold hands, you think about forever.
but you don't fall in love.
because the first one who does, loses."

2010-06-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

omg. im sorry. i was so absorbed wif myself i didnt even make the effort with u. i hope ure still reading this space right now cos i really do miss you and im really sry for not letting you into my life the way how you used to be and the way u deserve to be. i really hope its not too late to save things...ure my best friend and always will be so im thinking u will forgive me for not being able to express all this proactively before? damn it. im sry sry sry sry. cant believe i let you go w/o even saying bye.

too much(but not much at the same time) has happened in my life since the last time i blogged...its funny how things seem less significant the next mrng or when the factors are far away. not in the above case though.....
hate the way i let things slip out of my life. hate the way i nvr seem to get true satisfaction. hate the way time is jus making everything out of my control. i dunno wad to think anymore.

strangely, i found a small part of myself in that lil prata shop in lil india with a special someone who seems to get everything i wanna try to say=)
10pm seems so late suddenly.

2010-05-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

have not been fulfilling my responsibilities recently..super distracted and restless all the time with the same problem shrouding my thoughts. still cant decide if im fickle or is simply jus looking for the smth else that nvr seemed to surface after all this time. i got wad i wanted but somehow the satisfaction doesnt last.
felt really cooped up the past few days despite being all over the plc wif interviews favors and meetups...strange things start to happen after 11pm like i would suddenly feel like disappearing frm wadeva social event im at or wadeva im doing and jus be alone..like during snorkeling where the only sound u can hear is ur own breathing and perhaps the biting sounds of the parrot fish.

hoping for some sort of out of this world release haha yes i will make this happen.

really really feel like going back to being who i was the last holiday haha but unfortunately theres no longer a buddy who operates the way i do, to be wild wif=( have been mourning for quite some time now...the crowd i mix wif now needs me to be sane i think...saddened.

cant stand ppl who r not motivated.

2010-05-11T05:22:00.001-07:00

I think the reason why i cant seem to haf that kind of connection with stars(dead or alive) is cos i cant create e connection...u noe?like their lives, thoughts, personalities, quirks...etc jus seem too out of reach for me being in the realm of everything elusive. despite all the biographies and understanding that they are jus people wif stories worth documenting and talking about. take MJ for instance...i love his soul charm and a few of his songs haha but i will never(did) go crazy over that guy. the beatles...never did go crazy over them as well. the closest i ever got to (in the past!) were britney spears and spice girls and at some point in time, maroon five. haha i noe right...i dun even remember why i liked heavy metal and rock.. now its jus songs from varied artistes...

ive decided to not go work as a * in * places cos i cant imagine myself doing it haha though i love doing it w/o all the sleaze. shld jus restrict the domain to jus simply recreational activities hum..
so i was thinking maybe i shld go for a job at subway bt then its boring...bleh...maybe i shld go do some volunteer work bt then the last time i tried i cldnt stand it cos though its for a gd cause, its boring. everyone wants a job tats fun engaging exciting luh...
wad r ur thoughts on "the best job in the world"? toking abt the job of manning a paradise island w almst all the perks u can think of.

im so not looking forward to tioman=( cos i will be missing a lesson hahahaaah

i hate the feeling i get when i reach that last piece of chocalate in the box.
i hate the feeling i get when i start on the box of chocalates cos i noe
i hate the feeling i get when i reach that last piece of chocalate in the box.

i guess some things will jus nvr go ur way huh...i wonder if its worthwhile to try to make this particular one...?
show me..i'll believe it.
*sigh=)

2010-05-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

Im very sad cos i cant play maplestory=(

2010-04-14T18:00:00.001-07:00

im feeling increasingly comfortable and at peace when alone now...totally enjoy the 9pm runs at src and the good lie on the track after...time just stops at that moment for me..which is kinda wad i need.
early mornings are the bestest thing too cos it feels like the world hasnt woken up yet and i feel like theres so much i can do about everything haha
listening to the classic my heart will go on right now...i think that out of the whole movie, the scene tat stuck to me the most was at the part where the old couple jus laid on the bed in a spooning position while the water gushes into their chamber. somehow the connotations of such scenes strike smth in me which makes me feel tat nth else really matters in this world. like the things we want to achieve, emotions we feel, other ppl in our lives...even myself..like theres smth greater out there much more pure, untainted, meaningful...and powerful tat diminishes the many facets of reality.
even in up!..the part where the story of the old man and his wife was told rouses the very same feelings in me as well...
i think at the end of the day, tat is wad i really wanna strive for...?to be held in the arms of a loved one knowing tat u can haf total faith and trust in him...and that feeling is so adequate tat u can die w/o regrets...
just really want everyone to take care of themselves and like jus live healthily..wouldnt it be wonderful if most ppl can experience smth like tat at least once in their lives...even the most horrible ppl..maybe it will change em...

i know that this feeling will probably fade as the noon approaches cos i change as time progresses in the 24hr clock. and i will probably start hating horrible ppl again and be all practical but i like this side of myself the best...maybe its time to sort out my priorities again..haha

seriously can not wait for holidays to come..want to escape from this state.
cats are so transient..love tat abt them

2010-04-10T05:10:00.001-07:00

Ive decided to pull myself away from them
common reason being its emotionally tiring

2010-03-17T02:42:00.000-07:00

the things that i regret can nvr be undone so wad use is it to keep thinking back and wonder abt the what ifs...i guess the only thing that has any relevance to the future would be tat i nvr seem to learn from life's lessons...haha i fall the hard way and i would do it a million times over despite being ever so logical...maybe jus stupid luh

did henna tdy!the pattern is really pretty but i would prefer it to be in black or glitter...or glitterized black?

trying to sort out my piorities again...why is it that i need to do this every 3 weeks or so? does piorities really change that fast or is the reason simply because im living my life through others and thus when their piorities change, mine does too?
living in the moment doesnt really work for me anymore...kinda...maybe...haha maybe im jus troubled by the dance perf later on...only had like 3 pracs for it so dun really haf faith but somehow faith happens on stage?haha dun really noe how to explain this.

i really enjoy staying overnight at starbucks to study and stuffs though its super super distracting haha and i like smooth jazz now though it gets annoying after like 30mins of listening haha

havnt been able to go swim recently and im quite affected by this cos no matter how i try to squeeze swimming into my time i nvr seem to be able to do it cos of work=( nvm
now theres a new thing that im doing and its roller blading haha which is more economical and portable as compared to a bike so yes im having good progress wid it now so let me jia you and i will be able to own a pair soon!no more running!!heh..

how i met your mother is indeed really very funny...think i will start watching after exams...

supe random post..gtg for dance now!

2010-01-19T21:56:00.000-08:00

I really do not noe wad to do wid myself.

the same thoughts shroud my mind every single day, preventing the formation of new ones. new thoughts which would perhaps signify a promise of enlightenment of some sort. new thoughts which would perhaps push me that bit closer to knowing wad i really want out of my life. new thoughts which would save me from the familiar sense of misery and boredom i so often find myself in now.

tats why i bought the newspaper today...hoping to find some new thoughts to occupy myself with.
not very relevant but at least im getting somewhere...no?

im scared of cheer...hai
im scared of feeling tired and fatigued...
im scared of being so absorbed in feeling scared tired and fatigued that i let the moment pass me by w/o fully embracing it...
but then no matter how i try to make myself enjoy and feel every moment of it before it all comes to an end, i will still end up wondering, at the end of the day, why e moment managed to pass me by once again.

not being sure is the suckiest feeling ever...i think.

my chin and neck hurts badly...got the chin injury from falling on someone's elbow or smth and the neck is a bitch. the ache doesnt ever go away and now it feels odd when i look up or down=(
discovered that actually chili does wonders in making the area hot..even better than deep heat rub. haha.

if i had the guts, i would haf ran away from my life now...but how long can i stay away?

wad is love?

do i really not care? or m i just unfeeling in general?

i promise to not walk away if you promise you wont too...

2009-10-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

the end of our dance concert did not evoke those feelings in me...sad to say. probably did not give my all for it...probably was not good enough...probably was not happy enough..
i do miss it in some ways i guess.......

wad would u do if u find out that a frend whom u tot was close to u manipulated u and stuffs?
why m i even bothered by this..

it suddenly dawned on me that the two ppl closest to my heart along wif a few others are leaving me...
i wanna leave with them...
i wanna leave almst everything behind actually...
i wanna stop the path my thoughts are taking...
i wanna stop a lot of things but im currently too caught up in them to actually do smth abt it..

why is everything getting old...even new challenges seem old

sandra is not that great after all...she doesnt wanna be average but she has no guts to try and be great cos she is afraid to fail. but then again she has nvr really succeeded..

i need to watch a good movie.
and i need the presence of another person next to me when i wake up in the morning.

2009-09-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

time management skills improved i think...peer pressure still pose as a threat to my sanity but i guess i will just hafta get used to it cos i cant find any reasonable excuses to not. i mean everyone is stressed out in some way or another...reminds me of corals. speaking of which, im starting to enjoy Bio more...wonder why. its affecting my decision to go Canada...once again, im reminded of how short lived my interests are...no matter in which aspect of life ure thinking abt...which is a good thing i guess.......in some ways.

dance choreo is worrying me...ok its the lack of it. haha i love our idea but there are some serious differences in our styles and conflicts would be inevitable...wonder how this is gonna work out..
how does one come up wif a full choreo tats in sync wif the idea + tat mia michaels factor by next tues? we r so dead. . .
and this is excluding the memorisation of pei yi's steps for her choreo.

Im starting to retract from the ppl arnd me..by sharing less of my thoughts and personal stuffs. its got to do wif me, still searching for some sickeningly elusive element which would grant me entry into the realm of happiness. there would always be some point whereby id think i found it(or it found me) but as time pass, the element will always seem to morph itself into smth entirely out of my imagination.

i want to take on the responsibility...but at the same time, i would think of the other potentials and feel that perhaps it would be better if someone else does the job...well, u either do it or u dont right? haha ive decided to try.

been suffocating for a really long time..the more ppl dun believe in me, the more i wanna show. but the reality is that the time isnt right....probably gonna start on it a few days from now when things are more settled.
really hope tat ur idea will take off cos i wanna do this thing wif u=)

the rest of the thoughts which are swimming arnd my head now shall be left unsaid.
speaking of swimming, i can swim now!and i love swimming...feels free-er aha=)
stamina sucks though.

2009-06-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

the question is, hw does people acquire their perception of love? since most of us we dont have the
first hand experience of it, so our sense of what love is, is built over time. drama series by drama series, movie by movie.
so each show gives us some kind of impression of love, some kind of angle on it. so its selective,
because you cant say everything all the time. so its a selection of what gets reported, and
who gets to have a say in it.
that moment...i noe we wanted it.

don't forget.

said a lot today..probably one of the rarer times where i successfully reveal my inner thoughts and feelings.
wonder why i just cant seem to express myself in front of certain ppl..guess it really boils down to the dynamics of the ppl involved..

kinda confused now so im more careful in my speech.
my intuition has yet to fail me...we shall see

absolutely love speed. love it. love it. love it. i want more.

am i supposed to feel sad cos very few ppl understand that theres 3 layers to me..
well, at least there are ppl who understand me haha no matter the quantity.
wad fun will it be if everyone u meet is able to immediately see you for who you r?
this sort of misunderstanding and ambiguity is needed to keep myself amused in a certain way i think.

im bored..i want smth new to play with.maybe new perspectives.

2009-06-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

is it normal to like clubbing much? i wld admit tat i go too far at times but it just felt right at that moment..argh at least 'slut' is not used on me yet. but wadeva happens on the dance floor stays there right.
thanks for protecting and looking out for me
love dancing with people who are game haha..esp those who smell nice and say the most interesting things haha
stony faced ppl are such a turn off la
take me on the floor

updates on rest of stuff im doing;
im able to almost do 2 pirouettes now..
im able to almost do a proper handstand and hold for like 3 secs hahahhah
im trying out front walk overs and still trying to get my front tuck right
im almost able to do a front split but in extreme pain
can do one arm cart wheel!surprisingly easy haha

still staying out till damn late and waking up damn early..wonder how i manage that..
my tan is obviously fading cos of this haha
a part of my bod is either constantly aching or blistering..hai i need to drink milk

no longer as hung up on u as i was before...who knew haha perhaps e inability to hold eye contact did it...
i think i get emotionally attached too easily n most ppl who dunno me well think im not capable of doing that so it kinda hurts when stuff happens..

9june is a rather significant date for me...2 events going on..hmm

spending money like its free without a job...think i will hafta forgo the taiwan trip this mth..argh

2009-05-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

And I know we said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you

-i stay in love, mariah carey

deleted like 5 entries at one shot...stuffs tat are kinda private like my feelings and stuff...
trying to recover now=)
had loads of fun over the past few days...like im meeting new ppl every single day haha which is great fun..
suddenly had a clear idea of wad i should really do after my bond..and yes i shld complete my bond for the money..
dance(ryan rocks!) gym travel and late nights with friends are really helping...a lot...to give those shots of happiness i need so much..
really dun wanna be hurt again.

wonder how did they fare...

plane rides are bestest times for emoing haha with olivia ong playing in the background..

there is still a lingering sense of sadness..
miss you

2009-04-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

exams over! but im gonna slack full time for like two days before doing the things im supposed to do...
104 went badly...stupid qns...who uses equals in their qns!ok but its my fault i didnt ask.8 marks leh!ok nvm...10 yrs ltr this wldnt matter

think the conclusion is wadeva u haf for me is just not enough...
wheneva i hear the voices of ppl who care abt me asking me wads wrong and wads going on i always feel like crying. haha wads up wif that...hai im so sorry haha hope i will stop my nonsense soon.

gonna go somewhere on my own soon....i need to get out of singapore!and frends are jus too..haha first the money issue then the time issue then the company issue...so i think going alone is the best option.need to go somewhere very safe though...i really cant take care of myself hai.

spent a bomb ytd...=(
can i be allowed to break down unglamly and haf someone stay wif me through the night?jus once la haha

things like practicum brings me back down to reality...suddenly wadeva tat im suffering from right now doesnt really matter anymore?

2009-04-11T03:52:00.000-07:00

really wanted u by my side when it was intolerable tat night...
when u really did respond...it reminded me of the times we had...only the good ones...
miss having someone who would run to the ends of the world for me....but......

u shldnt be the standard...shldve met u later...now no one seems comparable.
do not fall in love with what a person can do for you,
fall in love with who they are.
i find this extremely complicating...tried to analyze my feelings but i jus cant seem to do so. and my feelings varies like the tides(those of open coasts)...i think its better if i dun make decisions at the spur of the moment...only to regret later on.

i think its time for me to truly be independent...as in emotionally..(even when in pain)
i see the hurt..i can feel it too when i try...but i cant stop it...think its too late since ive alrdy taken the plunge.

i dont want to cont guarding my feelings and suppressing em but i need the assurance that it will be okay...actually its really simple. jus be open and i will be too.
give me a smth to believe in..
somehow i think i wont be getting any...perhaps its time to be more sensible?

please dont read too much into what i say and get the wrong idea...im talking about several issues at the same time..its not meant to be clear anyways. its a blog not a report=/

what will happen after exams then? hmm i think i will miss u terribly..

2009-03-27T05:27:00.000-07:00

it's like trying to get off a speeding train heading to an unknown destination...
hesistant...scared...then u start to wonder if u really wanna get off the train and wad will happen if you dont...then u start to doubt urself..what if you dun make it and end up like some wreck...but then again you will nvr know if u dun try...
i tink before i can even arrive at a decision the train would have reached its destination...or maybe it was never in my hands to decide and i get thrown off the train at a bend..

you like being in the train cos its relatively comfortable when things are fine...it gives u a direction to go to..and ure interested to know whats the destination...
you dislike being in the train cos sometimes the view is not very scenic and the ride is bumpy...

what am i talking about.....haha
actually its a pretty accurate analogy if you get the situation...

hmm i think i seriously need to do smth about my life after exams...

wad i really need is someone....unfortunately that someone wont be appearing anytime soon?

should really stop putting question marks behind my thoughts...

2009-03-17T05:25:00.000-07:00

why would anyone say that about another person?
its just bloody unfair for someone to judge others w/o even knowing em..
but i guess there are worse cases out there...

the feeling/choice is kind of obvious now...but i'm still feeling reserved..
probably due to the confusion and high probability of getting hurt.

m gonna join smth fun haha cant wait for the hols to come!!

2009-03-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

i still feel comfortable with you..
thanks for the jellybeans:)

i miss all the htht we did in the past at either jane/audrey's rooms...i really miss those girls and the moments we had...
i feel that good byes are never easy to say..
wanna go to the seaside again...smth abt it makes me feel better abt things

you noe how some ppl are capable of capturing ur heart with that smth they do...haha
uh i think i have a weakness for that smth.
and it was exactly how it needed to be to 'melt my heart' haha esp w the guitar i think
'how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you'

i'm not exactly clear headed recently...bad..exams are coming=/

Baby Just Say Goodnight

think theres a need to announce that i just had my first prawning experience and touched a parrot!! i'm hopeless at catching fishes or anything that moves in water actually in air too...have always been this way since primary schl=/

i should learn to swim right....

*suddenly crave for an extremely understanding knowledgable caring soothing loving grandma....and family love. i dont want u to go.

2009-03-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

when you pass the person you once loved or had strong feelings for...
when you say hi...
when you walk away...

it is really not as complex as i thought...
think guys are the ones we cant figure out.
solution?dont care.

it's like we're connected...in this way i cant describe..
i can feel it...
what do you do when smth isnt meant to be and you know it but you dont wanna let go?
*cue an jing
haha

cant believe that exams will be here soon..
when its over everything would most probably end.

2009-02-26T07:35:00.000-08:00

It's purely physical?
i think it's possible to seperate ur heart, body and soul..
but i dun think its my style.
what to do?

gonna go steph's hse tml! haha so happy...
i learnt how to cycle like 100m...quite happy haha the excitment died after awhile leaving just the bruises of my labour...but still cmi for bikex =/
done most of my assignments so thats good...
have not revised...so thats bad
found my old tunes! so thats good...
hall closing is over so thats good...and bad...
jdc is coming so thats....hmm
need to sell tix for hall production so thats very bad..
recess week is coming to an end so thats bad...
i can drink fairly well so thats good...
my frends cant so thats bad...
grandma who jus passed away left me some money....hmm
i miss home cooked food..guess thats why i keep ordering cai fan...got link?
wanna change my hair but how ah...

love to blast music but cant hear the knocks on the door=/
love wearing my specs in hall haha ppl dun recognise me that way..

i saw the most beautiful rainbow ever ytd=))))))
the trees at grad hall reminded me of canada and the times sha and i had...

i love my frends heh heh
'wads this xiao man toh and nutella thing' hahahhaahahaha
gonna go cut everlyn's fringe!

i noe wads my weakness alrdy...its the disability to stop missing ppl even those who re not worth my thoughts....hmm

i absolutely hate being tired and sleepy..

i'm hungry now=(

2009-02-03T22:39:00.001-08:00

How is it possible that u can hate someone so much u want her gone but miss her again when smth close to that happens..
yea..i'm fickle.

life right now feels like gravity. it will eventually come back down after its peak..
this is the kind of feeling i cant really describe but felt for many times..
i thought i am able to hang on but it seems like putting on a fake front is harder than withdrawing completely..
the sudden urge to leave to breakdown to just be sad to not care about how others would feel if i did all of the above...
think so far i've only reached stage one. haha hope i wont advance in this aspect.

dance choreo is damn xiong now...paddy is becoming more demanding. hmmm but i guess i shld be responsible on my part since ive more of it.
hall dance contemp piece cmi...gotta wait till after thurs to get our act back. first piece rocks! think we haf chemistry and talent mostly coming from joy;)haha

discovered many new things about ppl once again...perhaps some i'd rather not know....
but life's too short to be thinking about such things right..
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
think i need it.

cant wait for saturday to come...haha but
its like wad kenny said time flies when ure enjoying urself haha. think that is a better way to put it..ok i had this weird logic about things happening but not happening at the same time..nvm think i need to read more books. cant seem to put across my ideas properly most of the time..

why do i haf such a low self esteem?hmm no should be no sense of security.hmm dunno..maybe just stupid...weak?

hug me now before i die!

goodbye my lover-
dont think i miss u but that sense of loss? still presents itself when i look back at the pictures we have...
my blog is seriously outdated. just one entry ago it was still solid........
i'm making sense k though it might seem i'm not haha why do i feel like the lead in house bunny.

gartner predicted that in 2011 80% of the internet users would haf an avatar...hmmm

till someone like kevjumba comes along haha.
i hate commenting on whether some dude's cute or not...at least right now. cos like looks are super deceiving i feel haha.

sometimes i wonder if anyone takes me seriously at all...

2009-01-16T01:45:00.000-08:00

We came in 2nd...so much has happened in that short span of time...it's smth i will never forget so wont bother blogging it down.
i miss it.

I wanna let go but i'm afraid to. Memories both good and bad haunt me.
will i ever forgo comfort for short lived excitment?
the risk is a tad too big to take i think..
but i still wanna be arnd u..

feel stupid during lects cos i'm preoccupied wif my thoughts.

i miss aini.
i think sha's bf is a jerk.
i miss mom.

have yet to buy clothes for cny.

the dustbin is overflowing again..bleh

i find astronomy fascinating..finally went to adm at night. i wanna go again..hopefully there will be more stars and the grass wont be so moist so i can lie on it.
i cant take alcohol but i like gulping it haha.
i want a telescope and a person who knows everything i wanna noe about the world beyond..

too much to ask for?hah

i love hugs.

2008-12-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

Facades...i think that they are part of who we are..like our char determines which facades u put on...and since most of the ppl i noe adopt the same facades of being for e.g. generous when we're actually not, encouraging when we're actually feeling sour inside, forgiving when in fact we still bear grudges...etc i feel tat the char of most arnd me are pretty much the same underneath the facades?
i wouldnt say that i dun do the same and i feel that ppl wont like me as much as they do now if i had shown my true self in all its gross glory..maybe i'm insecure...but the sense of security is gained wif time?
i think that i'm an extremely flawed person...
i think i'm disappointed...but i dun think i have the right to be.

finally fell sick...it sucks to not have my loved ones around me when i'm down...
have to do laundry, clear rubbish, clean room, tc of myself...i shldnt whine cos those foreign studs probably have it worse than i do and i believe i shld nvr rely on another for these sort of things...
hmm....even my own bf. it kinda broke my heart when he didnt take the effort to come over and sayang me but if i were to be in his shoes...who is to say the turnout wont be similar.
is it really gone?what if it is?

stop asking me to do so many things at this time can..

i am pretty sure this is one side of ailian and hy many 06s03 ppl nvr knew abt haha.

they are so so cute haha...bought a new cam the gold cannon one...forgot wads the model
i particularly like this pic of me

the balloon came from this bunch of guys...we named one of them the slr guy...he is so cute...ahhaa

will u go to the beach with me and be all sweet and nice again?

i dun wanna talk about cheer anymore...i think i need to be surrounded by more evelyns...
just bought a pair of extremely high heels...since i'm nvr gonna be cheer size i might as well be at the other end of the scale.=p

2008-10-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

count your blessings..

i have many. i don't take them for granted. but somehow something is always missing.

call me whatever you like..weak/ungrateful/arrogant...i don't really care.

i just need to recover from this lapse in self esteem.

be fooled by my smiley exterior.

There isn't going to be any trace of me in it.

someone wore a shirt which said "my job is so secret i don't even know what it is."
i wonder why it induced a hollow feeling in me.
My happiness, i realized is always short-lived and i feel like i need to move on to another location/activity/be with other ppl to keep the mood up..

It scares me. the way i let 'the moment' escape me even though i'm trying my damn best to live it. so exams are finally over...i'm feeling extremely guilty for not doing my best and i'm pretty sure biodiversity is a goner=/ (i know ure frm Harvard but can u at least try to provide us with substantial notes and guidelines for revision!!!)
it's all in the past now...no more gsel(it was great..we had fun i guess haha) no more lectures or tuts till nxt yr!!=))

Dec's gonna be busy for me wif cheer,chingay(i'll be doing a duet with this dude on the float with 6 other ppl for chingay=)),contemp and hall dance pracs as well as the much anticipated trip to china(snow!) will be spending Christmas there wif Him and his family=))

for now, i'm just gonna chill for the rest of nov..

will be celebrating my belated birthday specially at night this coming sat ;) then perhaps a chill out session wif someone who shares the same birthday as me and was just as unfortunate to have papers during that period of time..
had a nice time at home for the last two days...we ordered pizza stayed in watched some drama shows and this jay chou interview;)...managed to catch up quite a bit before mommy leaves for shanghai later on=( i came back to hall cos i cant bear to see her leaving the hse wif the luggage.. i wonder why...oh and we got our hair done tgt..i have curls now=)))
i know i said i will be cooking for some ppl in hall but uhm...plans change ok?haha i'm suddenly not in the mood to experiment with food..
i wanna stay over at steph's again! i love watching national geog wif her in the wee hours and talking abt things we would forget after..haha
have to meet up with some ppl to catch up...it is always nice to see what ppl are up to and how they have changed...ok maybe 'nice' wouldnt apply in all cases.

i feel like we are being driven apart by our differences which grew and multiplied ever since we stopped seeing ea other...even at times when we do, i still feel detached frm u...i hate how things have changed but i know there is no way i can turn this back to what it was before...unless the impossible happens...
However, a phone call can change everything.

i wanna go butterfactory nxt wed...haha but i dun club=/
will be spending an afternoon at the beach this weekend...i feel like camping there just to talk abt life and stuffs underneath the 'wide' expanse of the sky, watch as the night turns into day and marvel at how much i have missed by cooping myself up in hall..
i know most of u guys dun understand why i do that but the main reason is because theres no one at home and i feel more independent and at peace here haha...(until the sink in the pantry and the toilet bowls in the toilet gets choked up..yucks)

I'm loving emily bear's music and talent...am currently into classical tunes. the timeless feel to it makes me feel better about life and its woes.
if there is to be a soundtrack for the end of the world, it would be something classical...or smth like imogen heap's hide and seek...
cos life's like tat.

i believe the exchange rate is now not in our favor...right?=(
our species is still young in geological time and yet drastic changes has alrdy occurred...i wonder how we are going to continuously outdo ourselves and survive till the end of time. but then i guess i don't really care cos i wouldnt be around to witness it...i suppose thats one of the benefits of our short life spans. i might come across as being ignorant and myopic but the speed at which everything in my space is moving is too much for me to take..catching up would just be a waste of time? cos it's highly impossible that i'm gonna be someone who will change the course of history...the ppl who managed to, in other parts of the world are still relatively unknown or unpublished and i suppose they find self-fulfillment in doing what they do(are born to do?)..
i suppose most ppl only become famous after death for reasons i would better not voice out here..

2008-09-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

Its recess week...which means 7 whole days of mugging and stuffs before my english tests next week..=( apple's not gonna stay the week so was kinda lonely till olivia stayed over ytd...was so much fun=) went for supper with the cheer ppl..but the part i enjoyed the most was the car chasing part...kinda exhilarating going fast with the window down. we slept at around 5am?
there was a thunderstorm last night i think...freaking loud. rained super heavily...fortunately, olivia was with me...

oh ya! just remembered the damn cockroach outside everlyn's room ytd night...that senior let it off the first time and it came back la...she was so scared she slammed the door and the cockroach kinda like sensed her fear and kept crawling towards her room so i asked for the pesticide and she handed me a mozzie one...
...
haha anyway it died because i was drowning it or smth like tat..
i think she's able to sing angela zhang's songs haha judging from her screams...

I met some interesting people....am having a fun time with them discovering who they are and stuff. They are so diverse in Nature but yet share the same element of being both unique and interesting at the same time.
I think that's how it is with everyone..like it's not just one superficial layer that you're messing with as time passes by? haha i'm blabbering.

Cheer's better than before i think..don't feel as pathetic..still pathetic but not as much...probably cos i managed to put aside my dignity and 'concern' for the guys who are supporting me...
ok not really i just injured like this senior xiu lu and this other senior daniel who kinda twisted his finger while trying to catch me? somehow i feel plagued with guilt and fear every single time i inflict injury onto others...

i'm so bloody self conscious now...

kai bin the meanie said 45kg is like the ideal weight for a cheerleader...anddddd he kinda hinted heavily that we need to lose weight...blah i'm not like Damien okayyy i can't lose 5 kg in a mth.
argh.............i guess i really do need to be lighter to compensate my excess height haha. think i'm like more than a head taller than the ideal height. damn it olivia!

we did popping, a stunt where you get to be suspended in the air for a few seconds before you fall and land in the arms of the guys who r supporting you. its both cool and horrifying at the same time to be propelled upwards and feeling the 'ground' give way..
i love the cradle position..haha feels extremely safe and warm.
hafta train my arm strength...i think the freshies in cheer are being really encouraging...which makes me wanna give them a huge hug but it will be kinda weird so i didn't. haha nvm gratitude can be shown in other ways..

i like the fact that i live every day as it is...either cos i simply can't remember enough about the past to dwell on it or i don't know what i'm doing thus there is really not much to reflect on or plan for...(but i've not lost sight of my goals)
whatever it is...i'm kinda glad about the way i am.
If i'm buying or making stuffs for you all of a sudden, do not start to have weird thoughts in your head. it's simply to show appreciation for your existence in my life or smth like tat haha...
so those ppl who received orchids from me...=)

gonna get toe pads for dance...so jealous of people who are good at turns and stuffs.
So i'm logistics and welfare for dance...fine...as long as i have rebecca with me=)...oh fun time we had that night..with the big ass praying mantis, gobbling foods and making a racket with our horrid singing plus! attempting her 1000 pieces puzzle=))))...
i think lione's gonna do a better job than me anyways..

we went for the NUS dance concert last Saturday...really liked some of the items...lione had matching pink braces and cardigan plus an ultra impressive ring( from far) haha...rose looked extremely sweet and sunny in her dress(her hair smelt nice too)...
love her reaction after that encounter with "the guy" oppo my room..ahahaha meanie...nah she's cool.

its funny how much you can learn about ppl in such a short period of time even when you are not conversing with them. but obviously it's a never ending lesson.

This is a really sweet(in a odd way) picture actually...if not for the blur
taken two days before mooncake fest?

I saw a girl who's a long way from way from home taking a picture of the moon that day...it had such a sad romantic feel to it...
It's the same moon they are looking at..but yet they are so far apart...
I think i made the right decision staying in Singapore after all...haha but who knows what would happen in a yr's time.
To be able to find ppl who are able to operate at the same wavelength as you...to share thoughts..feelings and stuffs freely with you is not that easy despite the population we have.

Currently planning something for a somebody...its sad how i forget birthdays and stuffs...will be making an effort from now on...

YAY!!!!!!! MINI OLYMPICS CANCELLED!!! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAA was dreading it haha...floorball is fun but i'm freaking lazy...

oooo bbq on sat! olivia's friend's birthday i think and she was asked to bring a friend...hmmm i'm looking forward to the food and seaside part....

i need to start taking more pictures..precious moments are passing by so quickly...but wads the point really....you will remember it if it's meant to be remembered right?...hmm perhaps wad i really wanna capture is my depleting youth haha.
my legs feel achy all the time...its esp bad in the mornings...can't imagine myself when i'm old and grey...

am loving the track: show me the money

oh speaking of that...i owe a lot of ppl money...damn it.

i've not seen my parents for an extremely long time...
it's time to go home sandra...

2008-09-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

I've been really busy since school started...being pulled so abruptly into the whirlwind of university life is exciting but drains pretty much all of your energy, resting time, family time, me time.
Here are the activities that are preventing me from becoming a blob of lazyness:
Contemp dance(mon and wed), hall cheerleading(tues and thurs(extends till midnight mind you)), hall dance(wed after contemp), bsc club(shld i join the foc09?), projects for AAE101 and AED102, assignment for AED105...plus cleaning my room and doing my laundry haha

which means i didn't study much for today's Bio test...hmmmmmm......

anyways...here are the pictures of some stuff that happened a long time ago which i did not blog about..

some outing to sentosa...remember seeing sin yu haha i think she's so much prettier than before..

This is a rather nice picture of Chloe..

This is my side of the room...it looks so much more romantic at night when i have my halogen bulbed bedside lamp on..halogen bulbs are the ones that produce the dim orangey kind of light?
Apple's side was rather bare at that time..now she has a princess bedsheet and pics of her dragon boating friends plastered all over the place...

he's helping me sew my bag=))

Director's relay...i ran 2.4 lehhhhhhhh walao...kenna con into running haha the rest of my group members ran like below 12mins. lucas's frend damn zai 9 min plus even after saying he's going to conserve his energy for the ahm

The Sharity event...'dancing' the way we did was kinda embarrassing...
this is Olivia btw...another cheerleading girl...i look huge next to her la..my future roomie to be i hope=)))

guess who's in the elephant suit...haha

Botanic gardens trip...gah mozzies

pat pat..

the limo bus we used for the trip back...heh heh got disco ball lehhhhh haha

THE ARMY GIRL..walao she sign on lehhhhhh
3 reasons why i was so shocked(that i took a pic w her in the middle of nowhere like she's some artifact..i even did the two sign) that she's in army:
-she's so fair and fragile looking
-she's in dance
-she's so...so...jessica like haha

we tried taking photos in the dark...haha

what is wrong with my phone cam...btw i'm now using the olympic phone..
i think janice's photogenic.

Clarence...one of the three guys in dace ahahha he's crazy abt Ryan
thats zoey in the background being pretty

thats may at the back being cute..haha ya right
she's a good artist i think(adm)...love her drawings..

clarence is in adm too...have not seen his drawings yet
but he has a pretty creative vision?wadeva u call that

At vivo...it's nice to be able to stretch and dance around with such a view...ah minus the construction site la

spot the flat foot!

janice dances damn well for a flat footer...=)
i'm extreme right...high arc heh heh

yay so happy................haha

i really wanna take photos of myself doing the stunts...wonder what spastic facial expressions i have when i'm up there...i think i have to try harder and be more proactive in cheerleading...and stop wearing ballet shoes there haha.
elevator elevator elevator...i'm dreading the shoulder stand....argh how can smth be stressful and exciting at the same time?!

need to improve on my technique in dance too...gah my muscle is still not showing signs of recovery from its pull haha

ok going for dinner now...

2008-08-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

I was tempted to get the aspire laptop made to compete with the asus eeepc i think.. before the news that we will be getting a free notebook next yr was disclosed.
hope it will either be small and compact like the eeepc or light wt like the mac book air..
i really don't care about the stats..

was visiting condos the other day with yw's family...at the showrooms of the upcoming one at kovan, we had fun scaring the other families by popping out of the many concealed store rooms..or just by standing inside till some unsuspecting agent decides to open the door...
i think this is the only showroom i've been to that requires ppl to take off their shoes before entering, and use real molten brown toiletries for display.

This mini waterfall belongs to a condo in king albert's park..i like the way the water cascades down from the pool on the upper level..
makes a rather spectacular entrance.
the downside is that the buildings were not maintained well enough so there were 'in your face' stains and rust on the walls, railings...etc

there was this orientation for babsc students so here are my buds in the og. presenting Chloe and si hui as well as kelin who shared a fair bit of her life with me..too interesting for me to take..haha

here are some of the things we did that i managed to capture on my phone.

this game reminds me of the oujia board thing..(yucks)
they were supposed to hang on to the peices of string while drawing a 'replica' of the mona lisa w/o touching the pen...haha
guess wad...they won.

then we had this mascot thingy where we dressed up clement(i think thats his name) in the theme of warriors? as you can see, it wasn't very successful..haha

thats james and cornelius in green- our ogls.
plus the other mascots.

you can't see much from this picture but the guy was actually trying to seduce the judges by dancing to 'touch my body'??
loads of scandalous stuff happened during the showdown...like for instance this on mascot from the blue family(olympians?) was supposed to dance to some hot music i forgot which and he grabbed this "hot chick of a mascot" from the titans family who just so happens to be wearing very little and they did some clubbing dance moves...too intimate for school i think.

extremely fun to watch...but if i were to be one of the show makers, i'd probably break the bond, pay the LD and fly all the way to Canada haha.

this is cornelius doing his forfeit..he actually grabbed clement's head(the one in grey) and gyrate his ass in his face...i don't know how else to say it.

lastly, the pic taken on the last day of orientation..just the guys.
i enjoyed myself i guess...but the cheering and amazing race parts are like torture under the overbearing heat. plus i had only a few hours of interrupted sleep in the two nights of the camp.

we went for teppanyaki the day after camp ended..
my first time there and i truly enjoyed the experience...
though i'm not sure wad experience i'm talking about cos most the time i was looking down and gobbling down the food which was yummy of course.

the welcoming ceremony which happened just yesterday.
went with chloe for the first part before aini joined us for the second...
thats us in the dark blue robes undergrads are to wear for the ceremony..

the profs look so cute in their attire...i dont know what its called.

the lighting up ceremony...there was this point in time when we were supposed to light up the torch by turning the knob thingy at the top and i kinda screw off the whole thing in my haste to get it to light up...
person on my right and Chloe found it amusing.

the highlight of the second event...haha for chloe and me at least;)
excited giggles and squeaks...(coming from her) you get what i mean
*more winks, nudges..etc

before which, she was deep in her dream land which i almost got into if not for the presence of aini.

i guess that concludes the event...the rest that happened are not worth mentioning...oh yea i enjoyed the catering at the reception...haha

after which, we went to do our nails. we decided to do our nails only once a month cos its such a rip-off.

came across this pic...i love the bag..which is mine of course...

oh when aini was getting a manicure, i spotted this...
its so flashy its to the extent of being ridiculous...
can she even wash her hair/pick on her spots...etc

total bill came up to 200+ for her....
why would someone spend that much on something that will most likely be damaged in a few days' time?

just realised i have never been so passionately obsessed with something before...dance?maybe that and music but i've seen the more hardcore ones.

i'm craving for the baked rice at white dog cafe...i think they do the best baked rice...gonna have it sometime next week...

school's starting tml...haha cant wait?

look who's being patriotic despite having to sacrifice 2 yrs=)

2008-07-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

It's time to break out of the chains society kept me in..but which is the right way?
haha...get it?

you hang on to intangible things such as love, spirit, memories...when the tangible fails you
...what do you hold onto when even the intangible fails you?
there's really nothing else...is there?
what really is the point in the existence of mankind..what does majority of the population seek to achieve if not wealth/love/health/continuation of our species/knowledge?

rhetorical questions i think...just stuff that springs into mind incessantly because i'm not preoccupied with an overwhelming social life or fulfilling job or whatever...maybe a gratifying relationship(do you say that?)
but grass is always greener on the other side and it can never get too green if you know what i mean.

wonder what's the greatest story ever told...maybe i should yahoo it. for the record, i prefer yahoo to google because i'm sentimental and fanciful informative pages excite me.

excellent news i received yesterday..aini's presence in ntu will do my mind some good.
thoughts about abhorrent roomies have been popping into mind recently..
haha maybe she has secret ailments that i don't know about...like combing her hair in the middle of the night and stuff..
i hope i don't get a room which faces the trees or some alley or whatever scary places you can think of..i don't quite like the idea of hanging curtains as well..............
think billowy curtains in the dark with a hint of a suspicious shadow flitting about..yikes!!
if possible, i'm going to paper my side of the room bright yellow so the nights will be less frightening..

i was about to complain about the incident in the library but figured life's really too short and precious so i'm not going to let it impinge my wellbeing.
however, i feel the need to renounce my hatred for a particular group of people..
bad things usually happen in association with them.
and i think a lil hatred is healthy cos it balances your mental state.right?

this is quite a nice picture don't you think?
the guitar does wonders to my outfit..maybe i should carry it around hor...haha

and this purple sketch gives a nice contrast...though artists don't usually mix purple with pink..

if you think i'm finding excuses to put up pictures you're probably right...i'm waiting for my bladder to fill so i can go pee ma...haha

i'm craving for bubble milk tea with caramel, pizza, Baileys thickshake, cheese fries, classic lays and chin chow...
did you know that hello panda comes in cheese flavor?

2008-06-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

outdated but still relevant..

finally met up with jy...was nice=) familiar...
sometimes time passes so fast it's almost impossible to fully savour the moment w/o stopping time...i think i can't react fast enough..like the happiness i'm supposed to have felt the moment i saw her came after she left...
why is that?

met aini after...i think the service staff of white dog cafe must be thinking i'm a huge fan of theirs...went to them thrice in a week..absolutely adore the baked rice. my fav dish currently...

speaking of service crew...work at indulgz was eventful...i love the way christin operates...am enjoying doing morning shifts with her..stressful. but still nice....kinda miss my seniors though...haha hmmmmmm...theres this one cute guy...haha nvm.

speaking of cute guys....claire's friend in heros is super cute...hmmmmm....haha nvm.
if i can choose a power to have it would be the power of persuasion from heros. oh yes.

also...i met the elusive nirousha..

she's screwed up...i'm screwed up...i kinda like the relationship we have....
telepathy is a hard thing to com by..
just wish that the obstacles would take a one way flight to somewhere uncovered and nvr come back...

oh despite everything, i'm not going overseas for studies...a relief..i think.
as for dance, we dropped our scholarships...i wanna get some salsa class...
piano....yes i'll get back to you.

it will be great if this holiday can go on forever and i'm still at ground zero with nothing to my name so nothing will hold me back from the possibility of making the stupidest decision in my life...haha drama

cashback, hot fuss. i like.

i want that holiday to china.

2008-05-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

ballet is totally killing me...i'll nvr wear pointe shoes or be able to execute a perfect pirouette. yes. not even one...
and the teacher is such a perfectionist. i've a love hate relationship wif these kinda teachers. love em cos they really push you, hate em cos it's so bloody tiring to have to keep trying no matter how exhausted you are or how painful it is or how impossible it is...

i'm so dropping out of the scholarship programme...

guess contemp is more my thing...ballet at this stage doesnt really help express myself..basically cos i'm not perfect..if you get wad i mean.

i'm leaving boc soon...tml actually. wonder what i'm gonna do next..

the unis gave their reply and i've two routes to choose from now...
wonder why my decisions are not made by me but by those around me...
what i want is to go canada or aus for further studies but i'm afraid i'll miss em when i'm finally there..
so i thought ok maybe then i shld jus stay so nth 'bad' will ever happen and i won't regret anything......right? plus i'll be able to afford the lifestyle i want and save up for my ambition after serving the bond.
but apparently, there's a greater possibility of me going overseas happily than staying..haha
so why am i still feeling so down?

4 dresses 1 top and new stuff didnt work their magic...
so i'm buying a new phone...

dad's selling his books at suntec to help the quake victims...that means i'll haf to get my own dinner...i'm desperate for some company but i'm too lazy to get some. and too unpopular to be offered some.

oh! maybe i'll go nafa or laselle....hmmm i mean dance has been always my love...plus none of the courses the unis offer (that are in my league) interest me...
hmmmm.

i keep thinking i dun want to be just another face u see on the streets...
but then thats what most ppl think...and only a minority get wad they really want
so who am i really to dream of the 'impossible'.

gotta wait till 8 yrs later..then we'll know

i'm fortunate that i'm an insignificant residing in singapore.
i'm also unfortunate that i'm an insignificant residing in singapore.

22 MAY 08

2008-05-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

The day after my interview...
it went badly i think...was extremely unprepared; went in thinking i don't really want this.
came out thinking omg this is what i'm meant to do...
i pissed the girl off on the first day by turning up w milo marks on my upper lip but w/o any documents.
i pissed her the second day by turning up w my photocopied documents.
i know i pissed her off cos she frowned when i said ok thanks bye now!

so...it went badly i think

it really is a blessing for me to have him with me throughout this period of time. i think ppl who deserve it should feel the feeling of being blessed...it really is nice...
words can't describe the way i feel so i shall stop trying to make it.

ai ni and i made it for the dance arts scholarship..hahahahahaha hahahhahahaha
still unsure about how it works so gotta wait till next tues to find out...
oh and its a ballet scholarship btw...*laughs maniacally
those stupid bitches are gonna eat our dust....soon....haha
i need to lose weight and gain more muscles, get proper stockings or wadeva you call them, relocate my bones and be as shameless as those "pros"...

my sissy dentist said my root canal appointment will be 10 mths later due to long waiting list... he was like haiya actually 10 mths you plus minus very fast over wan...then i'll see u again!
i was like...do you wan me to like die from the pain in frnt of u but thats bullshit there isnt any acute pain at the moment and the sissy dentist knows...
i prefer sissy dentists to non sissy dentists.

my polishing, scaling appointment is next friday...my teeth are gonna gleam. yes.

lastly, i've died from being tortured by the unis so wadeva be like that see if i care. don't contact me.... .......................ok not really.

it's real hot nowadays..Nature has not been very kind to us.......................vice versa.
i enjoy watching discovery on hd. its awesome...it's so clear it almost looks fake.

back to work again..
the OLs working in the cbd disgust me. but they have nice shoes.

In the whirl

2008-05-10T03:03:00.000-07:00

I've recently discovered that my colleague is actually a "hot" salsa/ballroom/latin dancer...
wad a shocker..

am sourcing for new songs to take my mind off the road..
am craving for pure chocalate from coffee bean..
am feeling guilty cos i can't join the contemp class on wed.
feel the temptation to just be a teacher and travel all around during schl holidays not having to care about anything outside my bubble.
am gonna get a hair cut.> one of my "life changing" attempts.
am craving gummy bears.

floss and brush at least twice a day, gargle at least 5> new motto

i hereby declare that i hate a specific racial group. vehemently.

i'm growing up way too fast..with too lil money for fuel.

i think i gained 2 kilos....

check out esther moving it..haha this was right after dance prac.

oh u should really check out four leaves..i love their bread. the jap steam cake is really nice..

the unis are killing me softly...
am too tired...gonna gorge myself on the junk food mom bought ytd..

mom...tml's mothers day..i'm taking her to white dogs cafe to have wadeva we had the first time there...also cos i'm craving warm chocalate cake and i haf no idea where eles to go..

i wonder how some ppl can just sit and ponder over a trival issue such as how the table should be positioned for long periods of time and not get distracted even when a butt is flashed in front of their faces. is it in the genes?

2008-04-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

am starting to feel the worry coming on...

theres so many things going wrong right now.
1) oil prices are still rising
2) food prices are rising; food decreasing(lays)
3) the universities have yet to respond
4) i'm eating lots of fibre but still feel constipated
5) i have no money
6) i do not know how to deal with stocks
7) cpf ppl are bothering me with their letters
8) i'm still in singapore
9) hfmd and dengue
10) my decaying tooth
11) there are no good movies to watch
12) my 1 hr break is ending
13) the invasion of iphones
14) i've yet to go for a health check up
15) i screwed up the most expensive printer in the office
16) i tore up 4 cheques accidentally

things that are going right. maybe.
1) microsoft is going down.(but i adore bill gates and where will we be w/o microsoft.) (but still we're talking mnc)
2) someone left a box of chocz in the pantry.(ytd)
3) i'm going shopping later
4) i'm full
5) i had ice cream ytd
6) today's friday
7) the infected girl isn't here today to infect me with flu and wadeva she has
8) i'm getting my salary soon
9) none of my friends got a respond from the universities(yet)
10) i have more defined thigh muscles
11) that stall in golden shoe hawker still sells rice w 4 dishes at 2.20

2008-04-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

i love apples. i'm going to have at least two every day.
i love mini eggs too but i gave the last two packets to yw. they are super ex in singapore so i guess i won't be having them for some time.
i love subway. oh yes.
i love nerds. kinda regret not buying the huge packets that we saw in san francisco.
i love spreading vic secrets lotions on myself before bed. but singapore's too warm for me to really enjoy the lotions. like ur skin feels kinda sticky instead of smooth.

i tried making milo dinosaur by adding like 6 huge scoops of milo powder into my drink but they will all dissolve into the water. and the water is not even hot.
why is that?

i've to get a new umbrella soon. my current one is not sheltering me properly.

oh i now have defined muscles in my arms. woring on the legs. esther says i've a nice body. oooh yea. i was happy for an instant till i reminded myself of the lack of growth in the chest area. and i'm probably the flattest gal in the whole room...think i'm the same as alicia.hahaha but she binds her boobs with sports bra.so i wouldnt really know.
she's the 2nd person i've ever encountered who doesnt judge ppl by their appearence. first is my boyfriend.

yu bin's coming for dance next monday...haha i'm not sure wad to expect.
and i'm considering going to o school for some classes since its cheaper there than wad i'm doing now according to her.
i dun really like the music alicia's using for the dance but its loud and fast so wad the heck.

my life is too boring here. i need to go back to victoria.haha.

back at last

2008-04-19T03:01:00.000-07:00

The flight to seattle: terrible. worst part of the trip. all 17 hours of it.

the night in seattle: the city is not that bad but won't go there a second time.

the ride to victoria, canada:extremely windy
snow cap mountains in the far off dist, no sightings of marine craters though.

the 10 days in victoria: SUPER FUN unforgettable...etc

university of victoria - i applied there but fear is holding me back.like always.

they are well known for their fortunate rabbit infestation.

a quaint little place that's supposed to have great ice cream..

the gentle traffic of victoria..

we rented an orange subaru swift for easy identification, went to downtown, duncan where it was snowing, some malls and some other quaint little places.
too lazy to post up the pictures.
it hailed, snowed, rained, shined. amazing.

thats lynette, uncle george's daughter who's very canadian as what harry said, driving me to the mall in her filthy car.

i love spending the nights with sha in our lil room with the laptop.
i love taking long walks and going on the swing in the park nearby.
basically love everything that is connected to my time in victoria.
song of that moment: by nicole scherzinger.

i love how you can see mountains in the distance in between buildings in vancouver.

we wasted our days in vancouver by going for a darn long walk in stanley park with this bastard. but it was still alright in a way.
then we went downtown.....hmm cant remember what we did.

the flight to san francisco: alright. via air canada, this seemingly small airbus but surprising roomy seats. they have efficient in flight entertainment. watched ps iloveu.

i forgot what we did there. haha...i don't like america and one of my companions. hate will be a more suitable word.
oh yea i love the muni train rides. andddddd golden gate bridge protest. haha we were like so in the moment.
i love eating instant noodles and watching mtv in our hotel.

ride to la: was kinda fun...gorged on burger king. was so hoping for carls junior.

went to universal studios....hmmmmmmm interesting...i absolutely hate the grand orchestra music they blast at the area. LIKE STOP THE DIN DUDE I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF.

i like the sky diving thingy that i saw...as well as the random people doing their stuff.

thennnnnnnn.........i forgot what eles i did except run around in hope of finding a cake shop but ended up buying a viente frap from starbucks.
oh and i love this chinese restaurant near our hotel. they do great tom yum!!!!
the chinese restaurants give out fortune cookies to you when you patronize them.
i'm still surprised that you can't find macs in the states as easily as you can in singapore.

there are so many asians there people assume i'm local.
i love how the servings are larger there.

someone's dad is a total bastard. this is a warning going out to any one who's actually considering going overseas with their bf and their bf's dad. ALWAYS do a background check. thoroughly.

yup end of story.

i wanna go taiwan with hui ying but i'm so f*king broke now.
my phone bill came up to 200 plus.

gonna go shopping with aini tml. ha like i have the money after i buy my subway.

dance is getting challenging so i have to buck up and try to match up to red pants.
i think she's too sexy and wears her pants too high for her own good.

killy hates me. she doesnt even wanna let me hold her now.
uncle george doesn't wanna reply to my email.
somehow everyone's hating me right now.

i'm feeling super depressed and all i wanna do is go for dance class, let alicia blast hip hop and dance to it like....that.

Going far far away..

2008-03-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

Mood Track: Simple as it should be-tristan prettyman

Back from Malaysia..hate the driving part. other than that the trip was enjoyable..
the whole group of us fell sick to his germs and i was feeling feverish when i went on the thrill rides with him while his parents went to play golf..enjoy the swinging machine the most. felt like i was flying.
met Steph in a public toliet in KL..haha what are the odds man. i think she put on weight...hmm

Driving to Genting.

the swinging machine.

we were walking in the massive clouds.

At the hotel lobby.

Coming back.(how do you know when ure reaching Singapore's waters? when the speed limit drops from 110 to 90)

4 days is just too short even for Malaysia..there wasn't anyone to help take pictures of us with the scenery so my shots consist of mainly our heads.
Going Canada tml...this trip is making me feel damn tired emotionally. Hope it's going to be over soon...got myself a book for the flight. i don't think sha has the capability to keep me entertained for that long.
i wonder why i am so fickle and reliant on him to make things all better. i hate myself. wish i had Ben's brimming pool of happiness.
i'm in no mood to be happy man...but i'm too tamed to offend anyone. why am i like that!!

oh btw i got myself a pair of specs.

2008-03-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

i think i enjoy walking around in my underwear.

didn't go for work today cos i had a late night yesterday and i have to sleep at around 10 every night if i'm to be fit for work the next day..i've the metabolism of a primary school kid.
i made a mess on my table with my drawings and stuff

i think those people will be taking them down and destroying my creations while i'm gone.
kinda miss working at my cubicle..think things will be different when i get back from my 4 week long holiday..
Simon and the 4 interns will be gone so i'll be the only 18 yr old in the whole damn place.
hmmmmm......

i enjoy listening to ben's passionate talk about his meaning of life, source of motivation...etc. it never fails to amaze me how someone can be so vehement about things that are so intangible.
i think bao qi shares the same sentiments.
anyway the gathering yesterday wasn't as bad as i thought..guess it's because it was only the few of us again..
went to fisherman's wharf(sp?) for dinner(i think fish and co does fish and chips better)

that's ben gorging himself while we're waiting for him to finish.
After which we took to brewerkz and to have a drink which is so darn awful..it's somehow worst than when i first took beer..i'm quite certain i won't be forking out money for beer ever.yuck.

thats them consulting the almighty which sweet beer to get.haha..

look how serious they are in his lecture. they are about to make the greatest life changing decision in their lives. haha

which is this..

thats the people equipped with "powerful" cam phones unlike the two baldies heh..

the two baldies..

totally agree with ziyan when he says everyone looks better in the dark. haha
s500i is a crappy phone. don't buy it. however, it's still better than whatever ben has.=p

i think everyone is still the same as before..except ziyan? he's suddenly a bad influence..or was he always? anyway bao qi wanted to try smoking because of him but i was glad she didn't. i mean i hate smoking but when i heard she wanted to try i was rather tempted..haha the works of the devil.
ziyan says we should experience everything at least once in our life except drugs..i guess i just don't have the guts to do anything that's too "exciting" haha.
i admire dear for his strong will..he's able to resist ALMOST evrything..=)
they shouldn't have shared their experiences with the supernatural..
i was suffocating under the blanket that night trying to protect myself from the something which according to ziyan's friend who's gifted with "the sight" is always around us..haha

yay gonna go malaysia with him and his parents tml!! his dad's driving so i'm gonna stock up on chocs and chips to gorge myself with on our way there.
hopefully we will be back in time for friday night for clubbing with them..too bad we can't go for mambo night=( sounds like fun..
i'll be hating NS again on monday.

2008-03-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

i cant do business.
and i dont have the guts to go pte and business.
so i will just have to turn to the next best thing which is econs haha..
or should i do engineering..material science seems interesting enough for me.
but i dont want to enrol in ntu.
hmmm........maybe its not that bad...
i just hope i dont feel all inferior and stuff when i do get in.
this other intern from work asked about my results..i was like cold and lifeless when i answered her.haha we dont even speak to each other la and you're openly displaying your kponess...i kinda applaud her lack of shame.

and for the record i'm not going to commit suicide or do anything to ruin my life. neither am i jumping for joy or smiling at everyone who crosses my path.

Wednesday is coming!!!!yay..
looks like i'm going Bali for a short holiday before heading over to the states..gonna get sick man..sunshine and snow doesnt really mix well together huh..
gonna learn how to ski in Canada..heh i'm not really the sporty outdoorsy type but i guess if sha's up for it then i am too..
i've decided to not spend any money on clothes and food over in the states so i can take up contemporary and street jazz at the same time.
dad expects me to fend for myself since i'm earning a measly salary of 1000+/mth.

i'm only 18 going on 19 and i cant wait for the time i retire and migrate t0 some picturesque countryside and rear my sheeps and cows.

2008-03-06T00:59:00.000-08:00

don't know how i'm supposed to feel right now...just hours away from getting the very much dreaded results..
i think i'm going to be disappointed so i prepared my soul by imagining all the diff situations i could be in on friday upon getting my results..
though i really can't imagine myself getting a results so bad i can't get anywhere...i guess the truth is always harder to take. besdies i wanna be in denial for as long as possible..haha
if my life is over by tml then i shall embrace my new life by buying loads of dark makeup, listen to hard metal, smoke, drink, do drugs, get myself pregnant, kill somebody...etc
haha nope. i dont have the guts to ruin my life that way.
but then again i dont have the power to control the reults now do i...
its so bloody ironic.

i just hope that everything will be fine and i'll get through it in one piece.
hmm.....................................................................................................................

2008-02-28T01:54:00.000-08:00

Work totally sucks. i dont know why i got so worked up over this particular freaking dude who's crazy enough to have an a/c in " " ". while some singaporeans can be so nice, there are those who belong to the population of the paranoia and have most of the singaporean traits. aka ppl who knock you over in their haste to get into the train and not say sorry, ppl who chop seats in the hawker center with packets of tissue paper, ppl who are afraid of getting themselves into trouble and thus brought about this permanent air of paranoia not unlike this couple i called today.. dont wish to rant on it.

applied for atm card today. wonder why i did that for. i dont like depleting my bank a/c.
realised a lot of "secrets" and small print today. i guess i should be more forgiving towards the paranoid.. its frightening how much stuff ppl from giant organisations keep from you.

they hired 4 more interns...so now i'm basically handling calls and stuff. even more underpaid but nvm. at least i dont injure my fingers or whatsoever...my right hand is like marred with cuts and bruises.

anyways dance class on monday was fun! though sha wasnt there..and three extremely hyper(In a bad way) girls joined the class. ai ni and i are planning to take up the modern contemp cls as well..hmmm but i have my reservations. cos that will mean spending even more money on top of my states trip.
more doubts regarding the trip are arising as well..haha i'm that fickle.

can you believe i actually went to a pb with sha, asri and his frend? haha it was kinda fun..i got a little high. plus i was so tired that day having to wake up early to send him off..so basically i was falling aslp half the time..thus having the drunk look.
i think beer tastes like ginseng and bittergourd. steph anna sha hates it..me too
i enjoyed the other mixes though.

things are not looking gd between us..i just cant tell him stuff as and when i like plus he doesnt read,process and respond to my msges...hmm well i guess i should be the understanding one and stuff so i shall put up with whatever.
i'm even afraid of asking him for favours...hmm
maybe i contracted the paranoia.

2008-02-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

I'M SO DAMN EXCITED!!!
mom said yessss!!!! i'm going ameeerrriiicccaaaa and canada.
i'm just a lil worried about the money part..think i'm gonna eat instant noodles in the states for a wk before heading to sha's family frends's hse in canada.

sha and aini are coming for dance next monday!!!!!haiz if only the class is of a longer duration...
my dance mates are cool. not those stuck up kind..=D
made a new frend. she's preeettttyyy. why is everyone new i meet called esther?haha
i can barely contain my excitememt kept smiling to myself at work..even the f*king jason seem so much more bearable.
gonna meet aini this friday to buy new pants and a cropped top. theres smth wrong wif our old ones.
was supposed to join this indancity dance thingy but they didn't call me.lisbeth didn't call too. so i just didn't bother going.

i jus realized it will be my first time seeing sha dance jazz...heh heh heh asri's gonna be there too so i'm gonna help sexify her moves..heh
i wanna get a video cam to record down this significant mark in history.ha
wanted to join pilates but the classes at dance arts are all in the morning so i'll jus haf to forgo it.

recently i've been doubting the reliability of technology. all my photos and memories of the past are stored in my com, his com and my phone. but wad if smth bad happens? like for example his sis's com and laptop broke down and though she saved all her photos in this cd which he was supposed to upload into the com when its repaired but this blur sotong as always, screwed it up and deleted all its contents. imagine if those are the only soft copies(which i think they are).

that stupid jason didnt give me my list of ppl i'm supposed to call today. bugger. i really enjoy calling working adults and informing them what they are entittled to. i esp like it when they have th bye bye ringtone thingy that plays music while i'm on the line.heh 3 of my callies have mission impossible, 2 have that roche song, i have right here waiting for you, 1 have promiscuous(sp?), 1 have some chinese song i don't know.
can you imagine earning 800,000 per month? this guy in the construction business earns that kind of income and he looks like those old tee ko you'd pass by on the street and never look twice.haha
i realised a trend in those high flyers. they are majority males with either ordinary looks or wear glasses and the handful of females are all rather old with the look of a strict school principal.
i'm drinking alot of milo in the office. but the supply in the pantry is non extinguishable. haha good...

i have bad grammer. chicken. aiya what to do..i neglected my foundation when young.

oh no...simon walked past and saw me typing about jason.hahaha wadeva..he also saw the milo marks on my upper lip..heh

2008-02-17T21:05:00.000-08:00

i'm in a dilema. not surprising though.
i really wanted to go for the trip to the states but now the initial excitment has died down and i'm left with the what if syndrome. what if i regret going?like i spend the whole of my savings on the trip and its not even good...what if i go all the way there but cant see or go where i want to because theres sha's dad? and the maybe syndrome. maybe i'll be better off staying in s'pore. maybe i can go on a hol to another plc for a lesser price.
hai...so as usual my mom became my decision maker. if she forbids me to go then i'll be free of the dilema. if she allows...hmm

my grandma's funeral lasted for 2 days for me. sat and sun. my first thought when my mom told me to be there was do i really have to go? i know its extremely unfillial of me but i jus cant help it. i mean the wkend is the only time i haf with him and i'll have to forgo it for her wake. plus i was never close to her. she doesn't even recall who i am when i visit her on chinese new year. she didnt care about what school i went. she didnt care about my life...etc plus the generation gap. i cant even converse with her. i have a huge family. 50 plus of em. so its not her fault or mine. i guess? i dun want to brood over this because its all in the past now..
so at the wake i realized how far i have drifted apart form my cousins.. and what my relatives think of me. sad to say, they all thought i was a good for nothing...just a pretty face...
its depressing. esp so when i was discussing politics with my uncle who cant understand chinese. at least he acknowledges my opinions and stuff unlike his wife. she was questioning me about my future like wad do i aspire to be...etc and when i answered that i want to be an air stewardess whe i grow up she was like you shouldnt be blinded by wad ur frends say about that job. it might appear to be glamourous but its actualy just a high class waitressing job. i was like my frends dont even say anything about my aspiration and who r u to put it down like that. plus you're contridicting yourself. why shld i listen to you who dont even understand me and wad right do you have to place yourself above my frends. i obviously wld value my frends's opinions. plus wad makes you think that my frends think of the job as smth glamorous?......bitch.i dont even tell my neices wad they should do in life.

as for my other elder cousins who failed in getting good grades, they thought i was going to be a good for nothing happy go lucky...etc person but thus far i've proven them wrong and they seem to have taken offence at my bravery. so now they dont talk to me. and when ppl compliment me on my "beauty" they turn away.

my cousins of the around the same age are generally smarter than me in academic sense. they are the ones whom i have drifted aprt from. i bet when we were younger, their moms actually tell them not to play wif me...etc because as a child, i'm wild when i play but at tat time i didnt know the reason why their moms would carry them away from me when we're at the peak of enjoyment. and as we grow into our teens, their moms look grim and disapproving when we chat and laugh about silly things.
i guess they were afraid that i would infect them wif my stupidity or smth.

i remember those dark ages haha. when i'm devoided of expressive love from my parents(when i was young my mom scolds me like 10 times ea day.), playmates whose parents love me. btu funnily at that time, i dont over analyse stuff so i was kept "safe" and happy in my own world. i didnt even realize tat one of my aunts dislike me untill i heard her say i'm quite a proud kid when she thought i was aslp. i actually shed some tears because i knew wads the meaning of proud and i know i wasnt. i mean theres nth about me to be proud of. so even at that young age ppl accused me of being someone i'm not. haha. i really wonder how i managed to not sink into depression. or have a low morale.
i think i contemplated suicide once but it wasnt serious.

you know wad made things worst? my aunt from my dad's side looks down on me and she told my other aunt who told my mom. i've decided to hate her forever. you just cant do that to a child. one of my cousins tries her best to exclude me from everything and put me down by saying mean stuff to me though i cant quite remember wad they are now..but i recall bottling it all up and then crying only when i'm at home.

wad did i do?

ok all in the past. i move on.

hmm ai ni and me will be joining a street jazz class in a dance schl in funan. tat was where i first started learning piano wif mel. contains loads of swt memories.
the classes also play a part in creating my dilema cause i'd have to stop class for three wks.

gonna collect his handphone from taka and use it..heh

2008-02-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

my dad checked out my blog ytd..was kinda embarassing..

am seriously considering going overseas(aus) for further studies..i dont know if its just a irrational idea cos recently i've been hugely irritated by the "typical singaporean traits", monotonous and predictable life, massive floods of indians wherever i go(i might sound a lil racist here but the feeling of being surrounded by em is not exactly pleasant..think smells and language.)...etc.
for the record i kinda dislike loud and rapid chatterings esp in tamil.

i guess i really want to experience smth different but going into this alone makes me extremely apprehensive. thats why when aini told me about the similar thoughts she's having the idea seemed somehow more realistic and possible.
it got me excited it did.
but like all thoughts of plunging yourself into smth foreign, they led to a sense of hesitation, fear, sadness(will be leaving my fav ppl behind in singapore)..
its contradictory i know.

steph once told me her dad thinks i'm one of those kind of ppl who are able to adapt to a foreign environment well..i think this thought will be tested when i go to the states and canada with sha at the end of march for 20 days.
i dont think boc will want to have me as their staff after i am back..dad's going to be mad if he learns that i'm giving up my job to go on a holiday.
but i really need to know right?

mom came back in the am today.. i thought she's over the staying out late phase given that we're now so close. thought she'd want to come home early to spend some time with me..hmm why is it that our roles are exchanged.
i think i'm aging too fast mentally. i mean at this age i'm supposed to be out clubbing and doing all the trends and stuff but i'm not. strangely i dont feel the urge to...
plus my memory is failing me(i cant seem to recall what i did last week)
bugger. why cant it be my body thats growing?(a certain part is seriously under development)
haha but i'm learning to live with the hard truth.

tml's sunday. he's leaving again. somehow i just cant get over the fact that he's going to be leaving me every wkend..

2008-02-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

cny's gonna be over soon..currently experiencing the deteoriation of the traditions.
wadeva. its inevitable and i don't seem to care.(even the ang baos)
someone gave me $2 okay..haha nvm.
one of my grandmas is terribly sick. she cant walk or talk and she's now all shrivelled up. when my aunt who was responsible for looking after her gave me an ang bao saying its from my grandma i was speechless...(i dislike most of my relatives) but i try not to critic.

things i like about cny:
-my mom does a terrific job cleaning up the house.
-watching my mom doll up.
-i enjoy the mandrian oranges.(consuming at the rate of 5 per day)
-i enjoy love letters.
-its a holiday.
-almost everybody around me are in a good mood.
-being bear hugged by my small lil nieces(hope they'll do tat every cny)

things i dislike about cny:
-greeting relatives(particularly those from my mom's side)
-seeing those relatives.
-making meaningless small talks.
-have to pretend to be happy and polite.
-travelling all the way to bishan from my place.

we look kinda alike here..

all the while her bro's sitting on the other side of her quietly playing with his psp.

my mom who's camera shy.

my dad who's impatiently waiting for us.(mom was wearing her freakishly high high heels resulting in blisters and slow speed.)

he looks nice here:)

i'm gonna watch him play mario galaxy..he likes the attention.

2008-01-31T21:31:00.000-08:00

updates
currently working at bank of china doing all the dirty jobs and being uder paid.
met new friends but am able to only click with lisbeth who enjoys the arts as i do=)
am enjoying my home packed nutritious lunches at my desk which includes a banana(today's one has bruises all over it.so i ate only a quarter) the auntie took away my dustbin. i think its because i throw my banana residues into it causing it to reek..heh.but i didnt smell anything.she must be paranoid.
mr teh tarik is nice.

he left for ns. dreaded day has passed..wasnt as horrible as i thought it would be. probably because i'm always occupied + aini's jz's off too...still i miss him alot. his head looks like a grape...hmmm.

been going to the esplanade aot(its a stone throw away from boc) am enjoying the concourse(andrew chen's gd.heheh) and peace.
i feel like heading abroad for further studies.
cant really stand singapore now(abs hate the traits..etc oh and ns although i'm not directly affected.it sucks.why 2 yrs??!!!!)

jane green writes a gd book. am enjoying bookends. jodi piccoult(however you spell her name) too.. read em for free at the borders. sitting w/o a backing hurts after around 3 hours? for me.

i enjoy eating moo ice cream after every dinner. i thought its healthy..untill i saw the amount of fats it has.
enjoy wearing my fav short skirts to work(temp staff who's hard working and doesnt mind being under paid..hard to find nowadys..even sha requires 7/hr for hire...i'm so cheap)
enjoy pissing my dad off by wearing em short skirts.
(oh speaking of families. i pissed my mom off by shouting..(due to pms) she's now unwilling to speak to me..am trying to get her to talk to me by acting secretive in my room..she's bound to be curious)
enjoy sneaking furtive looks at the new rather cute guy in the office.heh..wad to do..i'm kinda deprived?haha nah.
enjoy acting 10 yrs younger..some old dudes at the office are now addressing me as xiao hai zi thus they've no reaction no matter how much skin i reveal..heheh
enjoys hearing rosmund(e person who orders me around)'s laughter. its like a witch's mixed with a lil girl's..haha

alright gtg break's up.
first time in ages looking forward to chinese new year.

2007-12-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

Thailand is superb...
bought tons of stuff that's worth around a quarter of its price in Singapore.
Like what.30 over clothing items, 5 over beauty products, tons of food..and some useless stuff.
oh and i sat the 360 degree ride. my first and hopefully the last time. it felt awful. somehow i find the vikings less scary than that.
the hotel we were staying at is called pullman. it belongs to the king power foundation or something. 2 syllabus: 5 star. superb view, service, food...etc. futuristic design. hot stuff. you should see those female staff all dressed up as santarinas(sp). i had to pretend i wasn't staring at them. santa is out of the picture of course. with the huge beard and bulky costume. plus he didn't even give me the presents he had in his bag even after i passed him twice and hugged him.

i stole some pretty empty shampoo and shower gel containers. the lemongrass substance in them is so awful.
the fridge is so uncool. haha no pun intended. the moo ice cream i bought totally melted in the "freezer". was about to exchange for another before the darling savior of that nearby 711 store stopped me.

much to everyone's annoyance, i sang christmas carols the whole night before the 25th. awfully.
we only received one extremely sincere christmas card from the pullman staff. it was placed on the light board thingy above our heads along with our christams presents: two orchids.............................haha

either my memory is failing me or i just don't live in the past anymore.
my fluctuating mood caused by the damn results and 12th jan is killing away some of the fun i should have had.

my ears hurt immensely during the landing of the plane. is that normal?
i want to be an air stewardess. guess what hasn't change.
i dislike being asked to fasten my seat belt and stow away what i'm supposed to stow during taxi. if i hit my head on something or rattle around like how i did in a bumper car thing, that's my problem right.

i hate love-hate relationships. why can't it be purely love?
hate being controlled and told what to do when i'm not in a working/schooling zone. or some other territory that is not mine.

being me, i will always keep harping on the bad sides of things and neglect the good ones. well good memories shared with special people are always in the heart. since i'm using my mind to type out experiences...

2007-12-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

am dreading the 12th of jan.
am enjoying my hols.
found a job at indulgz bistro near bugis.
going thailand soon. i hope to stay there and escape the s'pore systems for a while.
i am legend is crap.
my complexion is getting from bad to worse. i wonder why.
i find myself staring into space or crowds of ppl and despairing about my life.
results are coming out soon. i dread this too.

i broke her mirror by sitting on it. i read her book w/o permission. she's back from us...
AAAAAAAHHHHHH

i haf a pimple on my nose. its bothering me.

i hate crowds yet i'm working as a waitress. wad was i thinking.
i love the food and the manager though.

i wanna get on a roller coaster. went to snow city. found out that actually i quite like the works. exhilaration pushes away my problems. temporarily.

i'm going wild wild wet tml for the first time.

i enjoy watching movies in bed where i can roll arnd and scream and kick arnd to my heart's desire.
gonna watch superbad now.
i hate brocoli.

2007-12-11T04:59:00.000-08:00

i think pursuit of happiness is a great book.

my dad's autography session was better than i had expected. there was this sense of pride and that unusual feeling you would feel for a close friend of family member when you see them actually accomplishing smth in their lives.
i never realised the magnitude of the conundrums he experienced untill recently.
went out with my mom after that. she's such a good listener(sp?)

bought a new laptop.the dell 1420 red.i think.

oh we finally went to the zoo. still hate the crocs.love the attention seeking pelicans and penguins and the three seals.hehe

gonna go cycle at east coast tml!! then climb the mt faber soon after.

i'm enjoying my new laptop.
i can't shit when i'm depressed.
i love shoes that show off the toes.
i love garlic green peas.
i enjoy cycling(after i know how)
i love hgging dogs.
i enjoy chasing after the stupid cat.
i hate travelling.

hmm gonna go catch the 10pm channel u show with the cute guy in it.(master chef) mom consents though she thinks i am a flirt.

2007-11-28T22:39:00.000-08:00

was supposed to visit the zoo on wed but ailian fell sick so the trip's postponed to next wk..gahh
went shopping instead. bought a new pair of heels that will certainly make me taller than him..(but who cares) and a denim bag with jewels on it. somehow even after buying those stuff i still dun feel the exhilaration i'm supposed to feel.y: i wonder.
went esplanade and sat down on the plushy seats cos we haf the body metabolism and leg strength of a 90 yr old woman.we then realised that theres gonna be a performance by 3 young musicians.i find the gal extremely pretty and the guy in the sita extremely irritating.he keeps combing back his fringe while on the sita...that's not only unprofessional,its damn act cool or wadeva you call that.

there are many cockroaches at the macs near bugis.beware.

oh ya i'm getting a facebook a/c..there must be some reason why microsoft bought it over for 22bil.or is it 5 bil.
i disagree with the poking function.
mom forced me to eat some unknown blueberry pills said to improve one's eyesight.i got a headache after taking it.bad mommy..

gonna see sha tml after such a long time.

oh i found two part time jobs.one at anderson's ice cream and the other at far east.gonna work to fuel my dance and french classes.mom and bf disagree to it.dad all in favour.

i dont know wad date it is today

2007-11-22T21:21:00.000-08:00

ytd was fun..shopped with huiying and company till my legs were so sore and fatigued. thats smth considering i was wearing school shoes..anyways, i bought a white umbrella,fake nails(they drive me mad but they look so pretty wif the nail art stuff wani and hy bought me),nail polish(hy got the same one),nail polish remover,eye liner(ailian asked wani and i wad we needed them for...hmm),dog treats,dog leash(ailian pronounces this as lash),catnip...ar i forgot the rest of my purchases...
hy got a hell lot more of stuff than me...the contents of her shopping bag can be used for some intense makeover class or smth..in a weird way, i'm pleased.ha

oh alicia got me a hairdye as a belated bdae present..so not gonna use it.

cant wait for the zoo visit next wk wif them..i wanna see the penguins=)
mentioning that brought back some memories tat used to be sweet but i'd rather forget them now...
its funny how fast things change. most of the time for the worst..the safety and warmth of his arms never fails to protect my mind from going over to the dark side(suicide,depression..)
wonder wad will happen to me next year when he's going off for service..
i think i depend on him too much..but i cant help it.some way somehow he has managed to become part of me that will never fade or change or wadeva no matter wad happens..its hard expressing this feeling in words thats why i guess most people just use love to explain and mean this?

i'm going to reinvent my room into smth that will say -me at 18 years old-.
i want to get a job and get into a dance class for jazz.
i feel lost w/o the exams.
i'm tired of chasing back wad i lost so wadeva. if you want to get out of my life then do it quick.

i enjoy watching fantasy films
i enjoy fixing my nails
i enjoy shopping
i enjoy eating savoury food
i enjoy recreating stuff
i enjoy disturbing my pets(mabel the hamster is moving in with me after i'm done with my room. the tyrant mother can just go rot and die in her own cage.)
i enjoy being with him the most..

15 OCT 07

2007-10-14T01:27:00.000-07:00

i think i'm going insane..doing anything but not studying..
onerous but i'm gonna do it...soon.really.
i dread the examination as well as the post examination period which includes the early part of next year..

there's a sense of detachment but i just don't know where to put it..

i predict that in the future, there will not be any physical attraction or sexual tension between man and women because cosmetic surgery, germ line therapy...etc will be so common that almost everyone will display the phenotypes that are desired by majority of the population now, the ubiquity of it will then diminish the value of beauty as well as the ability of women to attract men..
but then again..wouldnt that be a good thing? i mean if everyone is equally 'beautiful' on the surface, maybe men will start looking pass it.

milo's wiping his ass on the floor..its cute but his actions left shit stains or wadeva u call them on the tiles...................................i didnt clean it up.instead, i placed a piece of cracker on the shit stain and lured him into licking up his own shit stain.......nah...that'll be gross.

i enjoy look at me-keri noble
esp the dance by stacey glumm

23 SEP

2007-09-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

prelims are over...alright
went to see sha at her job on sat..i felt like i was entering some uptown girl music video or smth..she looks amazing...=D somehow i seemed to haf forgotten her beauty..haha i miss her...

i think i'm gonna be truthful about my feelings and stuff now...its tiring to keep having to hide them..

i enjoy spanish songs..
ok gtg.

11 AUG 07

2007-08-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

i wish that i haf another life...one that's w/o these bubbling troubles that seem to keep frothing over..
i like connie talbot's voice and the way she keeps sticking her tongue in between her teeth..
i enjoy lyrical jazz..
i enjoy hot soup in the middle of the night..
i enjoy going out for movies in ulu cinemas late at night and haf someone drive us home..
i'm having a cough(is that right?)
i enjoy being spinned around in the arms of someone soft...haha
i enjoy being invisible, melting into the surroundings in public places..
i enjoy observing ppl when they are not looking..

oh fuck..my homework......................

15 JUL 07

2007-07-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

i think i need some drama in my life...time to discard the old and bring in the new...similar to wad most of my frends are doing...i'm tired of hanging on to e non existing thread of wadeva tats left of smth tat used to be filled wif rainbows..glitter...etc
heres a list of things i'm gonna do:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)

wad..u expect me to post such personal stuff here??!!

how long more??
my life's a dream...how nice..i'll soon awake and realise tat i'm actually...someone i'm not, someone wif everything i wish i could have..
if life's like a theatre, i wld be the lone passing figure in the background, dressed in rags and ballet flats, walking around aimlessly till my time is up..yes just like walking the green mile.

7...
i hate you.

o and the harry potter movie is such a let down...such injustice to the book

8 JULY 07

2007-07-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

as expected, i failed maths..but managed to pass the other subjects..
i need to find some motivation to get me out of bed ea weekday to go to schl..
o and i cant wait for my revision times wif sha which shld be starting nxt wk..prob on wkends at her hse...like how i used to go for every wkend in the past.=)

his parents got us kinky shirts from bangkok...like for example one wif a nike swoosh that says just do me..........he insists tat all the shirts are kinky. like e one tat says just break it. he thinks its abt breaking the dick..

i think evan almighty is kinda weird..

24 JUN 07

2007-06-24T04:24:00.000-07:00

song from a secret garden-secret garden

ytd was fun...here was this two guys who kept hitting the ball to us n finally they hit jackpot..before we knew wad was going on, the ball bounced off our heads, producing the same initial reaction in both of us(e huh look followed by a wince)...stupid jerks.
it was e longest suntanning day wif jy ever...stayed till arnd 6? due to some serious cam whoring and catching up..i actually tot of my dad man...i've decided to take up his offer on e trip to sentosa to watch songs of the sea wif him...i'm so gonna drag mom along.
o i tot abt him alot too...=)

i kinda miss the younger me when i thought i had all the time in the world to pursue my frivolous pursuits and "dreams"...things are just so different now...when i start to realize tat i can do tat lil to better my life.i guess the major obstacle is fear...hmm shall not elaborate..

i've smth big planned for nxt wk...=D
i guess it will b lil things like these tat will help get me through this mess...

suddenly i haf this thing for romance novels...i cried reading the 5th or smth pg of message in a bottle in e train..

i'm jus waiting for chew to call up my mom and complain bout my performance in schl...
i jus dunno how to react to certain things anymore...

JUN 22

2007-06-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

the alchemist

ok mid yrs suck..totally sucked up my whole hols
i still think hotel california is a nice song
ok gotta start on my "proj" soon...
cant wait for tml..will be suntannin wif jy..whoots=D
o and i think dad's becoming increasing hip nowadays..he progressed frm buying funny tasting biscuits frm weird brands to wang wang..

my life's heading for the dumps..why am i even born man...

i believe i hate flying fox.

i need to seek comfort in someone..

why are my wishes never granted?does my fairy godmother have smth against me??!!!!

what m i gonna be in future???
m i gonna be happy?????average???

how am i gonna die???

why is there no one who's able to answer my qns???!!!!

Well, shake it up, baby, now
Twist and shout
C'mon c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now
Come on and work it on out

26 MAY 07

2007-05-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

haf u eva had an exp where u wanted to noe a person better and jus as when the details of the person take form in ur mind, making u go crazy over him,he goes on to smash it into a thousand million pieces and replacing it wif smth eles, a side of him u dun eva wanna noe abt..then u think to urself tat u were the one who wanted to noe him better..maybe this is who he really is...or maybe the person who've changed is not him but u..
hello stranger... ... ...

it was not long ago when u painted those beautiful pictures for me..i guess as time pass, the value of it actually increased in my heart for i'll nvr haf another frm u..and even if i do, the feelings just wont be the same again..

hols are here..not really looking forward to it due to the exams..not really in the mood to study right now....
dont wanna go back schl for those classes as well...

Sometimes I watch the world go by
I wonder what it's like
To wake up every single day
Smile on your face
You never tried
We both know we can't change it
But we both know we'll just have to face it

[Chorus]

If only I could give you up
But would I want to let you off of this soapbox baby?
We both know that we want it
But we both know you left me no choice
- till i get over you

i had fun while it lasted i guess...haha

i seriously haf no idea

2007-05-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn
Don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
And it's tearing me apart
It's ruining every day I
swore, I swore
I would be true
And honey, so did you
So why were you holding her hand?
Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time?
Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger...
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to...do you have to...do have to let it linger?

so this is how its gonna be huh...haha..guess its for the better..=/
this is a ride tat i chose to go onto..though the reasons and destination r unclear..it seems to me like its as if i'm watching e ongoings frm the stands through a glass wall..

i love milo..he's soooooooo cute and furry=D
hmm...progress in schl is alright i guess...not failing too badly haha...ok
recently HE has been investing alot in SOUND...he's so cute and all when he's in his moody agressive self..i like it when he's not overly happy...i'm mildly sadistic in tat way i guess..u noe somehow no matter wad happens to us, we just cant pull away frm wad we alrdy haf..... if u get wad i mean..
i'm anticipating the arrival of macs..heh heh oh i gained 1kg.............wadeva

28 APR 07

2007-04-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

so syf's finally overrrrrrrr...got a silver..guess tats gd enough for me..=D considering e blunders i made on stage and everything..miss dance like shit man...think nxt monday will be our last performance?...i'm glad there r actually ppl out there who appreciates our dance and efforts...e encouragement they show is really encouraging.hahaha...

am feeling kinda gloomy nowadays due to the complications in a certain aspect of my life...i noe i've alrdy made a decision...but yet, i'm finding it hard to execute wad i'm supposed to do..this is so shitty...cant even concentrate on my work..my maths is...as shitty as it can get la
shall not say anymore-

i'm glad te and aini will b there to accompany me on e studying mission every friday=D
will miss the times we had during dance terribly!!!!!!!!!!!!!oh and we had fun in the lep room after syf..haha MUCH fun..wif irene and isabella...ok gotta go do work.

2007-04-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

i just wanna say hello to you
but ure not looking my way like ure trying to
think i lost my mind back there and then
oh how i let my feelings go
u c i noe its just a crush and a crush wont eva last long
no one's forcing it boy

sadly took my smile away
everytime u look my way it fades away
i think its best it stays this way
everytime u look my way it fades away..

=)
syf's in 2 wks time..think we will be getting at most a silver given current standards...bleh dun wanna turn up when the disclose the results to e schl..think i'll die of shame...
i hate politics..think its gonna increase the probability of me slping during gp class.yip is gonna be so pissed...

many tests coming up..gotta start studying
-power failure-so i've forgotten wad i've typed in the previous post..=/

31 MAR 07

2007-03-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

so the first progress report is out and i did badly BADLY
no matter..ares's fixed...so happy

gonna watch mr bean wif hy n ppl wif the smu student..wonder how's she gonna understand e show but wad the heck...
life's sad as usual bt there r still certain perks heh heh...

dance's tough as usual..many bruises and broken skin surfaces
think gonna get like bronze though..due to some conflicts but wtheck
haha

oh and i cut my own hair; a fact tat fuxing doesnt seem to accept well..
i love the here it goes again video and artic monkeys...

STUDY SANDRA STUDY NOW!!!!!=/

6 FEB 06

2007-02-06T01:13:00.000-08:00

killy was walking through an entire field of pretty tiger lilies; e wind was blowing gently, causing e silky petals to tickle e tips of her fingers as she pushed through through e long strands of bright green grass. e ground felt soft and bouncy beneath her bare feet, n her body felt so light she almst seemed to be floating just above e surface of e spongy earth. all around her birds whistled their happy tune as they went about their business. e sun was so bright in e cloudless sky she had to shield her eyes, and with each brush of e wind tat passed her face, e swt scent of e tiger liles filled her nostrils. she felt so...happy, so free. a feeling tat was alien to her these days.
suddenly e sky darkened as her caribbean sun disappeared behind a looming gray cloud. e wind picked up n e air chilled. arnd her all e petals of her tiger lilies were racing through e air wildly, blurring her vision. e once spongy grnd was replaced wif sharp-pebbled stones tat cut n scraped her feet wif every step. e birds had stopped singing n instead perched on their branches n stared.smth was wrng n she felt afraid. ahead of her in e dist a gray stone was visible amid e tall grass. she wanted to run back to her pretty flowers, but she needed to find out wad was ahead...

funfair was rather fun..esp the haunted hse which i kept asing ppl to go to cos it was so nice..in the scary way haha..considering it was e first time i've eva been in one... ... ..was like grabbing sin yu and siti all the way.u wont believe wad sinyu said halfway thru the walk...haha...anyhow,we made a profit of arnd 200 odd at e dunking machine..so tats not too bad.
tml's revealation...will soon be free after the whole damn thing is over...oh and m currently baking a cake...i helped wif e mixing k...=/
dance cher changed e song to this faster version..played by bond btw and e dance's about freedom...i like it.

in no mood to post so..( )

28 Jan 07

2007-01-28T03:46:00.000-08:00

so we spent like 9 hrs in sokkin's house doing og stuff for revealation..tiring but fun haha...chun jie is extremely lame and rude and constantly screwing things up for us, ban hao's just ban hao(they r gay(oggled at a muscular guy on tv), jia pei's very cute(i love her so much!!!)>(according to her), sokkin's being hardworking and extremely keen on spening our money...
but they're a fun bunch really..she cooked noodles for us..so nice right!ate loads today..=)
so anyways, many lame conversations and laughs later, i conclude tat i had a v nice time over here.=)))))

hai..theres schl tml...and dance...how great is that..my knees r still swollen...=/
gonna put pix of our og on soon...yay
finished another bk by cecelia adhern..can u believe she's actually a daughter of ireland's prime minister! haha..
oh and speaking of books, i found out tat jia pei's lyk me in terms of studying habits..we bunk out in the library wheneva free to mug! heh heh..many tests and stuff coming up..MUG MUG MUG
alright hafta get back to work...chun jie's pushing the blame to me..haha(though secretly i think i was e one who made tat mistake..)

mood: happy
wads/who's on my mind right now: vexed=), time and death(theres a funeral in e area of sokkin's hse.)

14 JAN 07

2007-01-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

final verdict is tat being an ogl is not tat bad after all...but facades of ppl were shed along the way so it was rather disturbing to see the true colours of them..>a sick shade of algae green..bleh
anyways..
went for ben's aus concert thingy ytd..tat gal can sing man..=)but winnie the pooh's fav food wont jump or go to the front no matter wad i say..heh heh
so many things happened but most r not worth toking about..

dance now is worst then in the past..so many blisters and bruises after every session..my cure?> plastic surgical tape wrapped around toes..harhar..how ugly
the style's contemp now...very modern..
oh n loads of ppl turned up for the open hse..including guys..!so tats gd..right?haha

ice ice baby

schl work's killing me as usual..gotta spend more time mugging now tat i'm 4 chapters behind the 3 core subjects...
i dun wanna be so easily swayed in my decisions..but my will power's weak..wad to do..=/

mom's being totally nice and all..so i feel a lil guilty for not going to my grandma's bdae thingy..but overruled
hamsters haf fur now..so we'll be giving away some of them..they r so tiny and light!!^^
nvm..=/

k..gonna sign in to msn after being dormant for so long..there r things to be taken care of..

disenchanted

1 jan 07

2006-12-31T22:51:00.000-08:00

new version of blogger...hmmm words related to new haf a weird effect on me..first, it'll catch my attention then subconsciously, i'll be tinking whether i'm outdated..then i'llfind flaws in that smth new to critic..then i'll accept it/not accept it and move on...ok

went to watch fireworks and a band perform ytd..was nice..we agree tat if a band has cute members in it, it will be more likely to succeed in this society..compared to a band that plays the same standard of music but wif not as cute members..right?..
yup hyperness is gd tat day..
2 of e songs that band played r wasting time and nightfall i think?...kinda like the lyrics..
oh yar jy and aini were there too but didnt get to c them cos of the crowd..i think frends who manages to find each other w/o gadgets are really fated hor...

orientation camp coming...hate it
HATE IT
i just wanna get it over and done wif so tat i can once again on the study mode=) its somehow comforting u noe...hmm
oh yea..and to escape the hypocrites in my schl....i seriously dun need to hear ur crap if u cant even practice wad u preach outside of camp...bleh.fking assholes.

i'm glad schl end earlier and chinese is no longer a hindrance
yipee=)
oh and timothy and tanessa(not tommy cos recently discovered they r in fact male and female) had babies!7 of them=) wute's getting two, randy's getting two?..and yw's sis is getting two..yays..they are very wanted=)

i;m so glad liz'll be very near me for 1st 3 mths!!!!just 5 stops away i think?..drats..jjc is so...wadeva
kk lets just face the new yr wif a smile on the face,strength and determination..n everything will fall into place i hope...
i'm fat.haha.

oh and the dinner thing is over...we performed(had a blast man..dance ppl can get so high..haha)was damn fun sia...anyways..m gonna miss these times after jc..=) took lots of pix!!m waiting for uploads so i can steal ha.

19 DEC 06

2006-12-19T03:03:00.000-08:00

was a pleasant surprise to see two msges from two very {lost} special ppl in my phone this morning...=)
--------------------------------------------------

being trapped in a vortex of emotions and tots that courses thru me every single waking moment..
the bright side is tat at least my slumber hrs r left untouched by e undying waves of ...?
really dunno how to describe..all i can say is tat its pretty much e the last time.

ankle still hurts..tml full dress...li tao destroyed my costume...more critics coming right up.
still remember cynicritic?i wan my 05 state of mind back..as well as...
every step i take seems to be the wrong one..why?

m wearing a shirt tat has a hole in the middle..looks like a stain so shall ignore and cont. wearing shirt.

one of the dolls tat ben gave yw shakes its head uncontrollably..i wonder why too..cos e other which is placed just beside the afore mentioned doesnt.
bet he doesnt even read my posts now anyways...so busy...so tired...so troubled. i forgif if theres a need to.

gonna lose my thumb and foot soon...they r so not gonna heal.
random.so wad.crap.so wad.its my crapping blog.
misses shatanpng..somehow seeing their faces cheers me up..gotta work on my (close frends only) smile..c e effort.haha
tonight tonight tonight tonight tonight tonight...why does motley crue has so many tonights in tonight(...)?

13 dec 06

2006-12-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

haiz school is starting soon and my school work is still left there on the table gathering dust...told myself to get to work like a million times wheneva the work pile happened to catch my eye...blehx..

oh yea..to add to the thumb injury, i sprained my right ankle while ice skating...it was so horrible i didnt go for dance for like 2 weeks?...anyways...gonna write up the proposal again...

yays gonna meet sssnc next wk...am hoping its a visit to steph's house cos i miss her lil sis and house very much...=)

maple's having server update...totally sux...cant play till 3...(still hooked onto it) my char's name is WETTOES..hahahahaha ok lame but wtheck

i made loads of stuff to send to frends!!they r gonna get a surprise!!
hmmm..oh and i met up wif jy and mj the other day..they r still as persistent as ever bout some particular issue...haha
salkjfjfjf i wanna watch a movieeeeeeeeee
my posts r getting more and more...( ) as days goes by huh...=)

30 NOV 06

2006-11-29T18:28:00.000-08:00

i think i miss...

used to think tat maple is a waste of time and nvr understood why steph can spend hours playing..haha look at me now la..suppose i take pleasure in killing monsters and gaining the odd gift of weaponry and unusual items..oh as well as strolling thru the noob places feeling superior..haha!

sha finally has it going for her..=) big hugs and smiles ahaha

was dancing the other day when i broke my thumb..haha the tendon i think..it hurted like hell la and almst everyone near me heard the sound of my bones cracking..it was long and ominous..camie actually tot it was my fingernails scrpping the wood..hahaha anyways..i'm real glad she's not mad at licia and me for nt turning up for the thing=/ ms chew and licia then accompanied me to the tie da person..it was hell la..damn painful..today is finally the starting of the break frm the confinements of a heavily bandaged foul smelling hand=)
which means i go for my piano lesson tml and do the proposals ms chew insists on..

oh yea! i bought new shoes and a bag which i modified so it looks like it belonged to moi...aha..
hmmm=) oh dad's cooking laksa..isnt tat wonderful??! but i suspect its e cause of me having frequent visits to the toliet in the middle of e night..

mood today is a lil better than fine..:) shall take advantage of maple having server breakdown to do up the proposals for orientation..tatqa!

13 NOV 06

2006-11-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

whoots! celebrated my bdae on sat and sun at sentosa wid peeps..was fun!but nirousha couldnt come...but met her before going off so m still happy:) had a nice time shopping for state of the art;) cameras and stuff..
we played 3 blind mice and marco polo..haha we were very lucky to haf tat tv table n the big room..steph filmed down the process of aaron groping..played heart attack and dai ti while ken kept saying basket..
the bathroom was huge man..it had a jacuzzi in it but i doubt anyone used it except for..
still haf no idea why steph P. has to go down to another toliet when theres one perfectly functioning one in our room...
zy and aud came to give me penguin toy!..so nice of them..but m afraid i wasted their time..
so before we fell aslp at arnd 4, we watched castaway and predator..(steph p and ken still havnt bathe yet la!) blah blah..tat was on e 11..
on the 12,12am to e exact, a surprise came from a person very dear to me...and i recieved timothy and tommy..sparkles and a huge msg written on the sand=)
didnt know hamsters r such a hit wif guys too..haha we all had fun letting them shit all ver the place..haha they shat many many..
jy and me went to play luge THREE times!..was fun but my thing kept getting stuck so i didnt go as fast as i wanted to..they had cams located throughout the journey and it captured our most unglam moments..after luge, we went to suntan.........then went to vivo to send jy off before hon and i went to the pool area...its sooo nice at night wif the lights and stuff...had a long talk before heading home...i think timothy and tommy enjoyed the enviroment..:)
so tat was the 12..(big smiles) oh loads of tourists commented on them..esp this jap lady..she was so excited about them that i took their cage out of the box for her pleasure n her frend's...

Thanks to all well wishes..:)
somehow i really liked being 16 and i think i' not tat keen on growing up(excluding the physical aspect)..haiz..oh wells..this would be one step closer to death.pardon my negativity.

5 NOV 06

2006-11-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

if u could see me now is such a nice book...
cried buckets when i was reading it..gonna find other bks by the same author...who would haf thought tat imaginary friends cld be sooo.....special?

went for ballet thingy wif aini todae..blehx was awful..had to walk miles to search for the plc in the rain...then we were like ugly ducklings amgst the swans...(take note i didnt mention beautiful..HAHA)ok was very mean...wadeva

litao told us he would teach us tml...then e choice will be up to us as to whether we're takin up lessons..ITS SO COOL! we get to jump to grd 6...well..though we're old but hey...we saved fees frm grd 1 to 5...haha
the windows on the lrt r so cool....wonder how they work..someone very dear to me told me tat i still wont noe it even if someone told me..i'm not tat stupid ok..haha
still prefer jazzier moves...anticipating it wif jy..yay her exams r gonna be over..

chi paper was over like a breeze...ok more like a typhoon to me bt wadeva..its over...hai..think i wrote ling wu wrngly as well as gave wrong responses for many qns..piano exam and performance is coming soon..shit man...havnt memorise the piece...blehx and my ear test sux...ballet's so much easier..

hafta start saving money..hai..for wad i wonder...to buy a very special someone from ebay..haha
oh yea...yet to find maths tuition....haiz...

lets sing the humming song

31 OCT 06

2006-10-31T01:23:00.000-08:00

happy halloween..wheres my candy
happy bdae to sha!! yayy we're gonna celebrate our bdaes on mine soon:)

so gonna die in maths...wad e hell's differentiation about:(
mom was in the train tat stopped at clementi cos humans jumped off the platform...AGAIN
why must they sought such forms of death when they could haf gone peacefully with the help of drugs and stuff...suppose its the glorified(goryfied) end they get if they do it wif audience..blehx the inconviences and ghost stories they cause...

cant wait to get my phone fixed..blehx..

screwed today's pw..was moving too much and stuff
ogl meeting was okay..got sorted into scdc...so now we haf some weird claps and a song pending..TAT THING U DO(which i bravely suggested) hahahahahaha went out of tune when i sang it bt wad e heck..they didnt puke...then after awhile another guy sang it and haha...;)

oh yars...gotta do the dance notice board...haiz...and chi exam is like this fri...wth...i'm totally unprepared..if its gonna be as hard as our promos then i'm so gone.

some ppl jus simply appeal to me..
cos its u and me and all of the ppl wif nth to do...

A woman sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back
Lets shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the endWe hear the call
To carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches
On and on we carry through the fears
Disappointed faces of your peers
Take a look at me cause I could not care at all
Do or die
You'll never make me
Because the world, will never take my heart
You can try, you'll never break me
You want it all, you wanna play this part
I won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed

29 OCT 06

2006-10-29T05:58:00.000-08:00

yayy nov is coming!! which means my bdae is cuming!!!!!

today, i went kite flying..was like totally good fun=)
the feeling of exhileration when the kite soars instead of dipping down...which was before i discovered tat the damn stick was blocking the way..(smart gal!*pats head)
sha thinks its retro...haha it does evoke some sort of ... emotion in u huh..

i miss the gal company...
missing alot of ppl..
miss 98.7..
miss e past..
sha just reminded me of e video i took of steph,steph,anna and her during chi class...untill the cher asked me to off it..haha forgot all about tat corny side of me...

guess good wrriters are lucky ppl...after watching alex and emma..u always get the ending tat will satisfy wadeva feelings u haf..

it just gets difficult when even the writer herself doesnt understand or cant decide on wad she's feeling..
how is she supposed to be forever happy?
my emotions remind me of the action potential...refractory period is always the troubling one for me...even more so than the depolarisation part..
talking nonsense.ignore.
but this is how i express myself now..figuratively

22 OCT 06

2006-10-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

hafta get a new mp3 player... hopefully one tat wld display lyrics while playing the song...blehx..e lack of new tunes to listen to is killing me...
nxt wk's the last wk of schl...*CHEERS..

feel tat time is just making a fool out of me again...letting me taste the sweet
long drag of the holidays then pulling me back into the vortex of
incomplete assignments, pressure..etc
hope the dance lessons w jingyi would come soon...dance is just smth i cant
live w/o...though it would cost me around 15 every lesson...but wtheck

every now and then, i get to haf a glimpse into someone eles's life and tat
feelign tat i'm just a passer-by, one of the objects that other more important
people need for their world to seem more perfect.
oh another thing i realized bout myself is tat i review e past whenever i feel
this way and rarely will i feel anger...discontented...etc   as a defeatist,
i simply accept how life's gonna be for me and appreciate the wonderful beings
wasted on me.

shall be going sentosa soon...gotta get rid of those pokka dots on my arm...



I took time to think things over - time I didn't want to spare.
Cause someone told me I had things to fix - things I didn't wanna repair.
So I was talked into sitting quietly thinking bout the things I'd done.
Didn't like it so I said wisely oh hell!
Where's my fun?
Hail hail spit n'drool.
I liked the way that things were going don't like the way they're going now.
But I'd like to add there is a thing I can do - gonna tell you what,
where and when and how.

bloody facade

9 OCT 06

2006-10-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

so i failed my maths AGAIN...will i ever pass it....???oh God...but surprising i wasnt the worst...tat made me feel better...yes i sound sadistic but.........isnt everyone like tat?its human nature...no matter how many times i tell myself its bad...the improvement of my feelings still occur anyways..

watched u me and dupree...now i noe where shirley got her shirleyness thingy from...haha she's gonna show us world trade center this fri...let me skip tat lesson! but oh no...it has to be the first fu*king period...so its boring gp lesson again....blehx

the book i'm currently reading is total crap if not for its twisted ending...blehx...
just realized i hate chunks of text even when the article reallly interest me...prefer to hear/watch it...like when i picked up an article about the expert mind(smth they derived from the chess grandmaster), the thing tat really attracted me was the look of intellegence on the man's face and the huge subtittles...then when i approached the text, my mind was...alrdy like ....[ .. ]

dance's starting soon:) hope its gonna be as fun...oh yea and gonna start running for every extra breaks..gained so much fats i'm hardly recognisable...hols are coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hafta engage in some serious calorie busting activities...;)

11 SEP 06

2006-09-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

i think i can really be a bitch to ppl who really care for me...but .....am i supposed to contain my feelings in and be considerate forever more so tat i dun hurt, affect them or cause them to haf a bad impression of me? i think i am....but sometimes it feels oh so good to express my crapped up feelings in the form of a whispered WORD. have tried to be on the brighter side of things but didnt get me far..

so i realized tat certain ppl happens to be more insensitve than others and choose to express their thoughts in a way that is inconsiderate to others...i tried to be indifferent to their thoughtless/needless comments but somehow they'd race thru my head for at least 30mins, causing me to act differently...feel better when e "i dun need their approval" thought comes to mind..i mean..i wont even be in touch wif them after jc so wth...

i enjoy the times spent wif hon=))))) its like being in the safe warm world of all things nice...did tat make sense..ahaha
HAN's is GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD...love the mayo and the whipped cream..;)
lalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala i think i was mean to him on the phone just now...shall say sorry later on..(xclaim)haha

sha sha and me ;) 50 days and counting...was lookin at the icon thingy and was in wonderment tat that gal is REALLY me...

thailand in dec...yays...

29 AUG 06

2006-08-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

i'm eating grapes tat r full of seeds in front of the com now...ate banana in schl...so healthy....then i ate fried seaweed and biscuits that polluted my system.

dance is tiring but its gonna end soon! this thurs...yays..we haf yoga mass display..gonna break the world record...lame sia
oh and 5 new gals are joining us for the musical..yays however, according to aini, few can make it..haha aiyo

a super long "break" is gonna be here! thats good...if not for those extra tuts and lects...haf loads to catch up on for maths...thinkk will be struggling for promos since his promos start arnd the same time...booo haiz had gp test today..the aq was about hate...so chim haha

hmmm a damn army guy brushed himself on my leg today in the train and then tried sitting on me...felt like punching him

wad do u think of when u hear the word people? i think of a crowd of unfamiliar faces and the word irritating...

24 AUG 06

2006-08-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

this means two more days before my books r overdued. haf like 8 of them?...oh wells...dance's coolness! had loads of fun doing stupid stuff and acting retarded on stage which of cos warranted li tao's scolding and wrath...still had fun in the end...oh and we got into the programe despite our poor performance so thats GD!
costume's horrible though...my cls's gals thinks i look auntie esp that ru ting..wth...its not my fault aini wanted my toga

anyways,i'm looking forward to this weekend though having a pw meeting which would clash wif my uhm....programe..haha! audrey's getting baptized this sun...and i'm meeting jy and prob mj on sat! hurrays!!!!!!!! we're going milennia(sp) walk where the jelly bean shop is...=) love them
hate liquorice and coconut which is loved by yw and gin respectively..weird right...

lets see...got loads of work recently so dun think gonna be playing much chess...thats bad
i've pretty toe nails now...

nicked a truth/false card frm the hiv talk today..its cool=)
bloody facade.

i guess no matter how meaningless life is sometimes we still hafta go on and put on that sickening widely accpeted self upfront...i still dun understand why death still evokes this fear in me...y cant i be like ben..i mean he has a meaning in life, knows wad hes gonna do and he's blissfully in his world...while i'm awaiting fate

so this is who i am

[love losing myself in the dance of another person who's oblivious to my pressence like that night during ballet under the stars..accompanied by shasha...seems like she's the one for me afterall..hahahahhha my god...tat gal..i wanna watch shrek mean gals..etc on e red sofa of hers again...w the excitment of ***** coming up ltr.. i want/need her to tie my bun for me again...and i want to chew on her arm....and make her say slowpoke...]

i've found a dream tat must come through-

i cant take yoyo relations..but obviously no one cares..
so be it..i hope u'd leave me alone

14 AUG 06

2006-08-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

so....i failed my h2 maths...as expected..no matter..*secret words to yw* =)

i'm writing to special ppl=) isnt that nice...gonna buy stickers and nice papers..gonna write steph 150 letters,each containing a dollar so by the time i'm done,i'd haf cleared my debt..=)how nice
i'm so suffering from nirousha-ities...=) seems like we share more in common than we think we do(winks)

ah.......5 more wks to promos...hm that means more time to be spent wif alison,melanny,killy,marbury and zory's dad...=)gonna buy that duck in click and name it clicky...corny i know but...it would be ours...=) where did the rambutans go huh..

life is indeed full of surprises...mom and dad r beginning to be more open and cool wif the whole me getting married thing...haha(figurative) and thats a relief i guess..though i'm still gonna edit my report card a little before letting my dad see it...he's the cranky one...

andre's back from hk and that means a travel buddy..tats gd but HE DIDNT BUY ANYTHING FOR ME...thanks ah...
theres dance tml?oh no...i hate it..totally dread it..the steps are like getting increasingly harder....i hate..just wanna quit and join band

hai...geog test tml...useless piece of **** then theres gp ca on weds.....hmmm shall sopt discrimmination....blehx...films like click instiled a certain flare in ben..haha
just watched super ex galfrend wid hon today...the shark is real scary...uma thurman's hot wif blonde hair...hmm i wonder

alrights gonna leave it at this...gotta go update my other diary=)hey look sha's online

6 AUG 06

2006-08-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

so that was how i spent my ca days...in nlb mugging wif someone...like as if it would help my grades....
mom scolded me today...while i was sleeping and just....i have no idea why i'm so sensitive to her words nowadays...dunno..........i was so in need of someone to comfort me and tell me its alright but no one did come....

so tired of life..thus the trips down to the library finding worlds of fantasies i used to indulge in...
its funny how my life turned out huh....sometimes i just feel like isolating myself from the hypocritical world filled with beautiful ppl..frankly speaking, i'm so unworthy
but of course this thingy doesnt apply when i'm with the ppl i love...if i'm to name everyone out its gonna be mushy so shall keep it to myself for now..=)

talking to ginny online..just reminded me there's a test tml and hafta redo eom..wth...but feeling quite glad that theres someone nice to tok to i guess..oh and i'm sharing the same views as this GUY whom nirousha would know due to our problems...
oh i miss that gal...as well as ....=)

theres a huge pimple in my nose....eeks

blehx...suddenly i'm feeling better alrdy..gotta go do my eom and read up bout globalisation before slipping into my fantasies//

2006-07-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

work just keeps finding a way to catch me when i'm off guard...i haf no idea how...wonder where my drive went to as well..apparently changing my appearence doesnt make myself smarter...haha(cynical)

dance isnt making things fun either..loads of steps to catch up wif,stuff to plan and etc..
hopefully i'd be able to enjoy the show in peace..hmm..=)

think they help to keep my sanity.....like ...like a reminder tat studies is not everything..unfortunately its also the element that makes the other aspects of life work as i've noticed..

i haf mom and me time just now in her bedroom..we tried on the same black dress..haha so cute...n we toked about love,studies and stuff...somehow i really care about wad she has to say...as i traced the outline of her while on the bed, the thought of her leaving me when tat time comes triggered off this emotion in me...

help is very very very very very much appreciated these days as i enter the state of melancholy...hmm somehow i prefer serious conversations or those that arent gossipy nowadays..

life now has becomed a routine...chore...wadeva
how shall i react?..............living for the weekend
fu*k project work/grp work..etc complete waste of resources..

13 JUL 06

2006-07-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

whereva u will go- the calling

"love's about putting urself in the hands of someone eles and trusting the other person not to let go. this is wad makes it exhilarating and terrifying all at once. these days, i find that the time we spend apart before i start to miss him becoming shorter and shorter..."

we played interclass soccer today..not bad..my team which consists of all gals at first managed to not lose badly..maybe we won?..hmm doubt anyone kept score...i got a huge burning blister frm that game...thank god those guys were gentlemenly enough to not step on my blister..

i think i'm gonna get 3/25 for my maths test...brilliANT...

what if we were wrong....hmm....then theres always a back up plan for everything..
i seriously respect ms goh...she has like almst all the qualities i dun haf...
gotta go do that damn typed proposal ms chew insists on... when ai ni's shaking her beautiful legs...
...........................................................wheres the chopper saw wadeva when u need one..

19 JUN 06

2006-06-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

piecing together the broken pieces of my life in the past..

my life is seriously screwed in all aspects..
its like i'm sucked into this never ending vortex of turmoil and confusion..
and yet there r always some ppl who needs entertainment..
i wish for these hindrances that r once considered as interesting bits that adds colour into my life to disappear..the only colours they seem to add now are black blue grey..

i miss the people who would make everything alright again..

i love tat guy who hosts the AFV..he's so ...real and solid...if only i can grab hold onto him my world would stop spinning out of control...

im too busy chasing after time..paranoia's always holding me back..and time's just sprinting away ahead of me..never allowing me to catch up wif it..leaving me alone in this black vortex of paranoia staring at its disappearing tail..

gonna see the doc soon..gonna step out of my comfort zone where i dun haf to face the world...i'm in denial yes.untill its all over.............argh

the jetset life's gonna kill...oh yes

07 JUNE 06

2006-06-07T01:20:00.000-07:00

am in yi wei's hse now..he's currently teaching minjia maths..and ben's reading a bk..purpose driven life i suppose...ah the glorious work free days of a poly stud..anyways doing my gp portfolio now...sux really wanna go watch movie..haha yays gonna watch she' the man agiann...=D watched it wif dance peeps alrdy though..

dance is getting funner and funner!! we're doing this chair dance..jazz..yea..coolness!
and that IDP instructor asked me and this other gal to dance the hip hop routine for the class..like wth..i was stunned..

pw is going pretty well..gin and inshyrah are like perfect pw buddies..haha bought cotton candy! andd guess how long gin takes to finish a tube of fruittips? 3mins or less...he eats like 3 to 5 at the same time..siaoness right..oh and they haf a fetish for horror movies...urgh!

oh met andre in schl.his hair is like ben's...getting worse by the weeks...hahaguess being too obsessed wif ur hair is not the way mann...haha ok..ben digs gossip mann

i haf so much work to doooo..oh mann haiz...oh wells gotta go do my work..
hope to suntan soon man..i need the slack haha and havnt bought my bag yet...f

yay we love forcing ben to buy snacks..

29 MAY 06

2006-05-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

haf loads on my mind these days...glad tat jingyi was there...haha suntaning was fun...yea..we talked till late...hope she does well for her maths....=D then if i fail my promos, i'll join her at np...yayy....preferrably in engineering..yayy...hahahha then nirousha and me can accomplish great things that we would talk about 50 yrs down the road....oh my....i seriously wanna get out of college........

watched da vinci today...was kind cool...but i really dun see the pt of the whole show...haha was freezing in the cinema..gotta go read the bk...

i haf no idea wad i want...i'd give anything to tat person who can help me understand wad i want and help me get to it...chick flicks r so relaxing...haha hhmm..they provide this imaginary world of happiness and bliss...no wonder they say stars help us live out our innermost dersires and wadsoeva......oh wells...at least i can haf it make believed if not real...

now i understand why steph says the flower duet is nice....cos it is! guess i was too caught up wif the rock stuff i didnt appreciate other grenres..kinda miss steph's pressence....cant find anyone like her in jj...not toking about replacement though...hmmmmm they say its impossible to keep ur frends when u haf a bf...i feel tat i'm even starting to lose my identity...this is the first time i ask a person wad i shld become...omg........sometimes i wonder whether its really worth it...dunno wad to think anymore

saw bunches of ij gals walking arnd...miss my days as an ij gal..everything was so different...though trapped in a world not unlike tat of a chick flick...haha winks to nirousha, it was safe...nth to fret over except a few split ends,pinafores tat r overly long and hair tats too neat oh and of cos whether TAT CUTE guy looked our way...

sewing to the sounds of norah jones calms the soul i think...
nowadays, heavy metal sound like noise to me..dunno why...used to love them
guess i'm too occupied and tired to be angsty
facade

23 MAY 06

2006-05-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

Small town homecoming queen
Shes the star in this scene
Theres no way to deny shes lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside shes ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh an I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishin that I was someone else

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
I get A little bit she gets a little more
Shes Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...
(my alarm clock song)

this song totally applies to me...its like everone eles is better than me whether academic or wadeva...think the need to cheer ppl arnd me is caused by the helplessness i feel oh as well as the hopelessness...if theres such a word..u know how u try to make things better like the surrounding since u cant do anything bout ur own life but u wanna do smth???? ok..crapping.

anyways ms goh gave an inspiring speech today about her and her ordeal wif maths...haha...hmm.....coookies are the best remedy next to ice blended vanilla milkshake or hot soup...=)

oh fadhilah is a fun talk buddy.....we had a gd time today durng the speech thing..haha so did some others who joined in the fun...think ms goh was mad though...she's a comfy pillow for me to slp on...and suddenly i haf this feeling for cyn..as in i really know how she feels and stuff..it aint gd..i'm her temp bf now..haha

thank you for the times u were there no matter how mean i was to u or how i treated u...sharing a blueberry cheesecake,sushi and ice cream wif u, tinkling music in the backgrnd..<3 sometimes conversation is so redundant...

i just wanna fall asleep wif u singng softly in my ear...then at times i just wanna down a whole packet of narcotics and not feel....why

i'm crazy over food and drinks....oh and confirm getting silver for the pft alrdy...all Ds...ah ok wadeva tml getting back bio test i feel like hiding under the pillow..i haf a pimple growing under my chin...painfullll...dear has four...haha aw...

30 MAY 06

2006-05-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

i stayed over at yi wei's house after talent time that did not go very well for me...long story...my hair tie droped halfway thru ha...gotta go for the pw meeting now..so irritating....cant even enjoy my weekend...wth..anyways, gona go for the nj funfair after that yays!....but hummmm........oh and possibly watching da vinci code after that.....i havnt yet done any revison or anything..gonna die i tell u....haiya

yi wei covered himself wif the blanket..hahah so cute
HAI................damn the gene of s03
ok wadeva...gotta go do research..OH ms chew and goh thinks i look ****..goh even wanted to take a pic of me....wth...so ugly can...she's so childish for her age u know...she tickled me and asked why i never say hi and sulk at her then demanded a hi from me....haha aiyo

junior is soo cute he slid from the bean bag to the floor w/o waking up...

=) i dun really like studying.

16 MAY 06

2006-05-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

i should be studying for bio spa exam tml..and chem test but ok this is my "break"
loads of things happened and again, i'm too tired to recall.

my current gp cher sux like hell....boastful ass
i should declare a new religon....those who occasionally believes in certain religons...at other times, circumstances cause them to lose faith.

why is everything happening this weekend!!!! argh..and my workload is so high i cant even make it to the full nj funfair...and the stupid jj talent time eats into the time i couldnt spent at ac helping ben in the thing wif ahem.....WASTED U NOE!!! walao

i lost the sequin star...=(
reading da vinci code now...but cant really do much reading ut still gonna watch the movie...

argh gotta go read thru wk...and just realized ive been neglecting alot of ppl. sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i shall start speaking again after the workload clears....=\

5 MAY 06

2006-05-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

the 02 outing last sunday was fun....it was my second time on a bike :)
it was real good to see almost everyone tat day...ben turned gay..*gasps oh then after that we had pizza..we had aan extra free ...haha obviously candy and me r like the blurest in the group..haf i mentioned how taitai candy is?damn cute...her pressence is missed...

yesterday was 4may...

alot of stuff happened but too lazy to type it all out...haha
my life's like stagnant........i'm sorry if i haf been imposing on anyone..oh pat celebrated her bdae wid the class wif the agar agar made by surong and gang..v nice...
i was almost suspended for being late..but our principal who says alarming instead of ringing was very nice...he let us off wif a lecture.....it was a stupid thing not to run after the bus...i'm pissed wif my maths cher...oh wells wth
the cher in charge of dance just said she sees me at the lakeside bus stop alot...i knew wad she was trying to imply but nvm

it was raining like hell today...andre and me ran to schl..then there was this bloody traffic..so we stood there along getting drenched along wif the guys who ran after us..the council ppl were nice...one gal came up to us and said oh my god!u poor things! and handed us a brella...haha wth...it was like less than 5metres from the shelter haha n we were already soaked..my feet still stink frm the rain.

the OM sent me to pick up leaves and fill the bag up to half a kg...so wif my mp3,i went while andre sat peacefully in the go doing his work..how unfair can life be....but then.......haha it has its benefits...;)absolutely love the way u smiled...the OM is a nice guy so wtheck

i'm gonna change my look AGAIN..haha hafta go buy hair clips that change according to my mood..here r the colours; red:desperately in love,blue:moody,purple:nice,green:confused...gonna get stockings too!!im going for the gd gal look...yes i am one thank you.
dance dance dance..our dance instructor almost broke the window today..haha he and his itchy fingers..i opened the window an inch so tat e room wont be so cold and he lifted the whole thing up and it got stuck till ai ni got up beside me and helped..

i haf loads of work to do...hai....
sometimes i just want a hug.........but one doesnt come easy nowadays.....i wonder why

29 APR 06

2006-04-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

the flu's getting to my head...feeling drowsy and stuff ahhh wtheck

i wonder how ziyan's able to see w/o being seen...hmmmm..

joined the hip hop dance class for idp...its this interest directed programme for jjcians and its made compulsory....its either tat or coffee appreciation whcih many of my frends r in...BORING haha but alicia did this coffee art thing wid chocalate...yum oh n bcos of her, i had to suffer 10mins of humiliation from my class during chinese....grrr

we're gonna haf the talent time rehersal three times nxt wk at diff locations....yay i'll get to see that dance grp wif the damn hot gal...haha
starting nxt fri,i'll be serving detention wif andre for three fridays...cyn and alicia r so lucky...they only did one

i met lizzy in the station yesterday while waiting for tat ah ma to arrive from np..it was pleasant...haha it seems to me like everyone in stc now has higher belts and longer pinafores...when asked,liz said she was being a gd gal..yea right!

i hope my hair would grow at a faster rate so i can tie it up...the heat's killing me...though jj has air conditioned rooms and stuff...oh and i felt inspired by this blog entry so i'm gonna try this new thing out...hope it works...btw i've given up on looking presentable...so gonna stick to my orange hairband tat combs up all of my fringe...that would shut paul up haha..

i'm so careless! collected everyone's chem assignment except for my own...hai...can just hear ms chew's (aiyo chem rep so blur) in my head....oh and not forgetting the (chem rep still dare to fail chem test) although our papers r still wid her...i dread the day...we celebrated su rong's bdae...the cake's gd..i had two slices!!..then we tried to balance on the chair thingy..the longest standing was sin yu...she plays squash btw...n has beautiful legs...ahaha

BUNNIES!

22 APR 06

2006-04-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

we finished the dance for jj's talent time...after much changing of positions and laughter..dancing wid the j2s felt gd..theyre really nice ppl..:) cant wait to see the whole show..

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind
Into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it were you
Let me feel one more time what it
Feels like to feel
And break these callouses off of me one more time

I don't want a thing from you
I bet you're tired of me
Waiting for the scratch to fall off
Of your table to the ground...
'Cause I just wanna be here now

'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be... -breathing,lifehouse

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
falling back into a state of melancholy

(there was initially a para bout the main cause but it has to be censored...i'm a socially responsible person who's nvr too liberal)

yay gonna go for a piano recital on monday...its been a long time since...haha last time i went wid mel..
really hope everyone cld make it to anna's thing on tues....its like wad we talked about in sec 4 is coming true now..

tests r like occuring on a much too regular basis..the lag time is just not enough for me to enjoy life haha...as if i haf much life to be enjoyed...oh wells on the other hand,dying means THEY will be wid u till the very end...

damn it!there was no more tickets for me...everyone said it was great esp nirousha who never saw guys in tights dong ballet...haha(she's in ballet herself btw) the only dance i saw by the nj dance group was the chinese dance...super good and "sensual" and tat was wif anna during their open house...aw really miss THEM

i shall make my way to np someday to see the NEW IMPROVEMENT as well as peeps...oh and that boy band tats chasing after nirousha...ALL OVER THE CAMPUS! hahahahaha yes yes we all hope for tat to happen...ahaha :)sweet

oh did i mention about the clean record i mantained for apx one week for not being late?!?
much thanks to v nice ego king who looks so much more appealing when e wind's blowing against his face

17 APR 06

2006-04-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

hmms....suddenly my new identity has betrayed me...so shall go back to the old one..
these r the things i'm deprived of: time,love,mind space,time,...

andre says i'm not letting go of someone cos i use him for comfort.....

mind's in a whirl life's in a mess and no one can help me wif it...how nice

suddenly nth seems right anymore(except music of cos..its always right)...and no one seems to understand me anymore...i wonder if they even did in the first place..its like i understand this other part of myself but i haf no idea wad to do wid it....
i hate it when my classmates jump on me and spring this hmwk qns on me..i feel threatened and unprepared...bad....oh but i got some pretty interesting info on some ahem though the possibility of IT happening is -smth.......haha only 6 ppl know wad i'm toking about

is it wrong to disclose this on my blog...hum..wadeva
all this crap and the restriction on wad i can write about on my blog is KILLING me